Home... as "Mommy" Forever

As I sit in our familiar blue recliner, where just nights ago I was sitting to ease labor, I'm listening to my newborn daughter's beautiful squeaky cry as her daddy changes her (very poopy) diaper.

So beautiful. (by the way, she's totally a drama queen and just stopped crying as quickly as she started).

Ryan took to being a father immediately. He's wonderful at holding her-- she calms down so quickly when he picks her up. He's working on getting his diaper-changing time down, and his swaddle perfected. He was there at every stage of our daughter's journey into our side of the womb and even got to pull her out into it.

So much has changed since I left home 3 days ago. My belly is MUCH smaller... my body is totally weird-feeling... but the biggest change is at the very level of my identity. After 2 days of labor, and 45 minutes of pushing, the former Christina T., SHS IB program graduate and Furman alumna, became a mother. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes every time. When we brought Éowyn in the door, and Ryan put her into my arms, I just cried and cried. It's so overwhelming-- the thought of having her to hold now, to stare at for the next weeks, to raise for the years to come, and to treasure for ever. My recent birth experience reminded me of just how deep the mother-daughter bond goes. When contractions would get really painful, several times I cried out "Mom!" When I'm sick or in pain, my first impulse is still to cry out for my mother, no matter where I am or how old I am. To think that I'm the only mom Éowyn has. That I'm the one she will know as her Mommy... the one who will get up with her at nights, fix 99% of her meals for the first half of her life, who will kiss her boo-boos, discipline her disobedience, teach her to read, sing to her, make cookies and dance around the kitchen... the one she will likely both resent and adore at various points... the example she will always be watching, like it or not... the woman who will help define her view of woman and how wives relate to their husbands... the feminine example of living out the Gospel before her eyes. Wow.

The permanence is staggering. The impact I will have on this soul is eternal. Knowing myself, my first instinct is to cry out "Oh wretched woman that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death!?" And my hope as a mother is the same hope that has sustained me as wife, daughter, student, teacher and friend: "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25)