Whose Birth-Day Is It, Anyway?

Yes, I am pregnant.

As you can imagine, birth is kind of looming large on the landscape of my thoughts these days.  Between witnessing a beautiful one (my neice's) last week, and my own "coming up" sometime in the next 3, it's kind of always there.  We went to Barnes & Noble for a family outing on Memorial Day and instead of raiding the young adult fiction (Brotherband Chronicles, Book 2, was calling my name... and there were all the rest of the 39 Clues I haven't read...), between readings of Eric Carle and Mo Willems (E's new favorite characters are "Gerald" and "Piggy"), I was devouring baby-books... books on what to buy where, books for calming squawkers, pregnancy books...

One question I've been wanting answering is, of course, when will he come?  And of course as I take all the little "how far are you from labor?" quizzes in the pregnancy journals, I'm hoping the answer is "pack your bags, mama!  It's gonna be SOON!"  Because, folks, I'm getting pretty sore.  Standing up takes lots of thought ("use your arms and legs, NOT your abs!") and maneuvering, and then there's that painful moment where the weight of my full uterus falls on my ligaments and I just have to take it like a man, er, woman... the whole "hours-to-fall-asleep-despite-exaustion" scenario that is getting SO OLD... the head-in-my-bladder sensation... the "if-I-itch-any-more-I-won't-have-belly-skin-left" realization... you get the point.  It's called "bearing children in pain" for a reason that FAR outstrips labor. (This sermon, "To be a Mother is a Call to Suffer," has stayed with me ever since I read it 11 years ago.)

First of all, though, I do take lots of joy in knowing that my Father knows my son's birthday (He knows all the birthdays of all the kids I'll ever have, which blows my mind).  Before a single day of life has come to be for William Christopher, they've all been written in His book (Psalm 139).  It's been surprisingly easy to calm my heart and wait patiently this time around, trusting that "good things come to those who patiently wait," and that the Lord whose voice makes the deer give birth is going to bring my baby forth in His timing.  Looking at how fast Eowyn is growing and changing, really, 3 more weeks is just not very long at all.  Bear with me, here, I know I risk stepping on some toes:  If we are honest, how much of our discomfort the last weeks of pregnancy is from impatience?  We Westerners sure love our schedules and our control of them. Instead of being content to wait and trust as women around the world always have (without a choice, lol), we take matters into our own hands and try and force the result we want.  It's a hard thing to wait without knowing.  (It was definitely the hardest part of my long labor with Eowyn!)  But faith isn't sight.  That's the whole point, right?  If we knew, we wouldn't have to trust.  [Please note that I know there are other factors that sometimes DO and should play into the artificial induction of labor-- mom's health, baby's health, even occasionally valid schedule considerations.]

I also firmly believe that the last few weeks of a pregnancy are vital to baby's health.  He's not JUST getting fatter in there-- his brain is growing.  Check out this poster from the March of Dimes on brain maturation the last 4 weeks of pregnancy.  "A baby's brain at 35 weeks weighs only 2/3 of what it will weigh at 39-40 weeks."  Wow.  It's one thing if a baby comes "early" on its own --it's quite another for us to artificially force it.  My working theory is that babies develop in the womb at just as varying paces as they do out of it-- some babies walk at 9 months, others at 15, for example.  So why wouldn't some "microwave babies" have ready-for-birth brains at 36 weeks, while other "crock-pot babies" need a full 41 weeks?  Still, I kind of want to know how our bodies know that "it's time."  Does the placenta just reach a time-release and start kicking baby out?  Does baby somehow let the cervix know "hey! my brain and lungs are ready! let me out!"?

Biologically, this topic is fascinating.  I've been Googling (and Google-scholaring) away trying to read up on what mechanisms play into setting labor into motion.  It's a natural process that has worked really rather well for the past couple thousand of years-- and how many sheep do you know that have to be induced?-- it's just been lately that we've all gotten fixated on "due dates" and counting weeks and making sure babies come at the time appointed them...by a quite arbitrary best guess.  Obviously, there's a reason that babies come when they do-- what is it?  As far as I can tell, most doctors and scientists say "we don't fully know." (And obviously, sometimes the system, whatever it is, short-circuits out, and babies are born too soon.) One thing that's becoming clearer, though, is that the baby really plays a big role.  You might say they help pick their own birthday in quite a big way.

He's not so obvious from the front.

This article from 1996 talks about research done in rhesus monkeys (similar in many ways to humans).  Researchers found that when the hormone androgen, which is made by fetal adrenal glands, was artificially increased in the placenta earlier than normal in pregnancy, it set "off a chemical chain reaction through the placenta to the mother's blood, resulting in premature labor and live delivery of healthy babies."  But what do adrenal glands have to do with being ready to be born?

This (quite technical/tedious) paper comparing sheep & human pregnancies & labors explains that in both sheep & humans, the fetus' hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal system puts out increasing amounts of cortisol, which increases prostaglandins, in turn ripening the cervix, causing contractions, and changing the placental blood flow.  However, while in sheep the placenta provides the androgens needed for these changes to start, in humans, it comes from the baby's (and in part the mom's) adrenal glands.  Cortisol is a steroid hormone made by the adrenal glands that triggers lung development in the unborn baby, so he's ready to breathe air.

This rather technical Special Feature article from Molecular Endocrinology, and this abstract ("Molecular Insights into the molecular endocrinology of parturition") gives some clues that the baby's maturing lungs play a big role:

"augmented production of SP-A by the maturing fetal lung near term provides a hormonal stimulus for activation of a cascade of inflammatory signals within the maternal uterus that culminate in the enhanced myometrial contractility leading to parturition. This hormonal signal, which is transmitted to the uterus by fetal macrophages, reveals that the fetal lungs are sufficiently developed to withstand the critical transition from an aqueous to an aerobic environment."  Translation:  Baby's lungs send a hormonal message to Mom's uterus that they are ready to breathe air, and the uterus starts contracting.   

"Our findings, therefore, indicate that SP-A secreted into amniotic fluid by the maturing fetal lung serves as a hormone of parturition."  Translation:  this hormone signal travels through the amniotic fluid to reach Mom's uterus.

So, instead of sitting around hating the fact that I'm STILL pregnant and STILL not sleeping or walking normally or able to turn over or eat without awful heartburn, I'm envisioning my little boy getting cuter and fatter, yes, but also getting his lungs ready to breathe air, his brain ready to process and develop, and am confident that when these systems are a "go," his adrenal glands & lungs will signal my body and start the process to get him out.  Pretty cool, huh?

As I wait, this quote from Jim Elliott came to mind:  "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.”  May my excitement and longing to meet my baby boy not ruin these last precious weeks without him-- of time with just Eowyn, of time to enjoy my husband without the demands of a newborn, of time to grow closer to the One who ordains all my days!

Group B Strep- What's Up with That?

Around 35 weeks of pregnancy, most women begin hearing the initials "GBS."  Standard protocol in the West is to have a pelvic exam that includes a swab which is tested for the presence of "Group B Strep," a bacteria that many of us carry around in our bodies in various concentrations at different times.  If a woman is "GBS+," meaning that she has Group B Strep bacteria colonizing her birth canal, she'll be told she will have to have IV antibiotics (usually one in the penicillin family, most often ampicillin) every four hours during labor and delivery, to keep her baby from getting a Group B Strep infection.  (Moms allergic to penicillins will likely receive vancomycin, cefazolin or clindamycin, depending on their care provider & situation.  These aren't as effective as penicillin & have their own risks.)  If a mom comes into the hospital too late or progresses too quickly to get the antibiotics, the babies are usually given antibiotics and have several blood samples drawn to ensure they aren't infected. Signs of early-onset Group B Strep infections in newborns include: fever or abnormally low body temperature, jaundice (yellowing of the skin and whites of the eyes), poor feeding, vomiting, seizures, difficulty in breathing, swelling of the abdomen, and bloody stools.

With Eowyn, I was tested and was GBS- (I didn't have any Group B Strep bacteria colonizing me at the time), so it wasn't an issue.  This time around, I had the option to not have a GBS test done, as well as having an interest as a doula in the issue.  So... I set off researching.  First off, I wanted to know the risks of having GBS and not being treated.  Second, I wanted to know the risks of standard practice (IV antibiotics to all GBS moms).  Thirdly, I wondered if there were more selective, less invasive means of treating GBS (if it needed to be treated), both before birth, and after birth.  Lastly, I wondered what steps could be taken to help babies and moms treated in the standard way.  Here's what I've found out!

First off, I wanted to know the risks of having GBS and not being treated.  
About 10-30% of all women have GBS colonizations (and generally have no symptoms). I'll use 25% as a steady figure:  1 in 4 moms are GBS+. According to CDC estimates, without treatment only 1-2% born to moms with GBS will become infected (2% of 25% is 0.5%, or 1 out of 200 babies), and of those, 6% will die.  So death is a risk of about 3 in 10,000 babies born to GBS+ moms with no treatment.  Infections in newborns are never good things-- GBS infections affect the brain, spinal cord, or lungs.  The risk of a baby getting a GBS infection goes up if the mom has a long labor (18+ hours with water broken), a fever above 100.4 in labor, or goes into labor before 37 weeks.  For perspective, about 1 in 150 of all delivering moms in the US will have some form of placental abruption, and 1 in 300 will have a prolapsed umbilical cord.

Second, I wanted to know the risks of standard practice (IV antibiotics to all GBS moms).

my belly at 35 weeks

IV antibiotics are a pretty big gun to pull out, as they kill bacteria that we need.  Not only are there thousands of beneficial bacteria in our bodies, they are all over our bodies!  They help us digest our food all along the digestive tract, they act as our immune system's main line of defense, they are our main source of Vitamin K, they keep harmful yeast and bacteria in check on our skin, in our guts, in our ears & sinuses, in our urinary tracts, and in the female reproductive tract.  Wiping them ALL out is pretty drastic-- we've heard a lot about the dangers of overusing antibiotics lately.  From yeast infections to weight gain to chronic gastrointestinal problems to super bugs, killing off all the little guys in our bodies opens us up to a whole new can of, umm... bacterial worms. :)  New babies especially need to receive a healthy dose of bacterial flora as they journey into the world, so that they are able to digest food properly and begin to form their own defense mechanisms against pathogens.  They get this through their eyes, nose, mouth, and skin as they are born, and later through breast milk. If they are born to a mom whose bacterial eco-system has just been severely thrown off-balance by antibiotics, they aren't going to be able to get that colonization, and it will take weeks for her breast-milk to return to normal --provided she doesn't get a yeast infection in the meantime.  What about the baby who is born during IV antibiotics who is also formula-fed?  Has anyone ever tried to nurse with thrush (a yeast infection)?  NOT FUN.  Obviously, the risk of dying from an infection is more severe than the risk of starting off life with bacterial imbalances, but if the risk of dying of infection is so low in the first place, yet a fourth of all moms and their babies are being put on IV antibiotics, it bears considering.

Another, more dramatic risk of the antibiotics, is the risk of anaphylactic (allergic) reaction-- this can happen even if a mom's never reacted to a drug allergically before, at about a 1 in 10,000 rate.  These cases put both mom and baby at a very real risk of dying.  I'll quote again from an overview of the topic in Mothering magazine:

"We can compare this to CDC estimates that 0.5 percent of babies born to GBS-positive mothers with no treatment will develop a GBS infection, and that 6 percent of those who develop a GBS infection will die. Six percent of 0.5 percent means that three out of every 10,000 babies born to GBS-positive mothers given no antibiotics during labor will die from GBS infection. If the mother develops anaphylaxis during labor (one in 10,000 will), and it is untreated, it is likely that the infant, too, will die. So, by CDC estimates, we save the lives of two in 10,000 babies-0.02 percent-by administering antibiotics during labor to one third of all laboring women. We should also keep in mind that this figure does not take into account the infants that will die as a result of bacteria made antibiotic-resistant by the use of antibiotics during labor-infants who would not otherwise have become ill. When you take that into account, there may not be any lives saved by using antibiotics during labor."  (emphasis mine)

** The linked-to article is very helpful, and is a GREAT starting point to thinking through this issue!  Every GBS+ mom should read it and use it as a jumping-off point-- there are plenty of citations to journal articles and scientific studies that bear reading!**

A final risk of the routine IV treatment is non-GBS infections (often anti-biotic resistant), especially E. coli infections.  
A study published in 1998 on the effects of the use of ampicillin before delivery concluded that:

"The increased administration of antenatal ampicillin to pregnant women may be responsible for the increased incidence of early-onset neonatal sepsis with non–group B streptococcal organisms that are resistant to ampicillin. At this time penicillin G, rather than ampicillin, is therefore recommended for prophylaxis against group B streptococci. In addition, future studies are needed to determine whether alternate approaches, such as immunotherapy or vaginal washing, could be of benefit. "

E seems unimpressed with the idea of IV antibiotics for GBS

In English (:D), they found that there is an increase in infections from bacteria besides Group B strep (especially E. coli) which don't respond to normal antibiotic treatment.  Especially scary is that this risk is even more pronounced in preemies, and labor before 37 weeks is one of the #1 signs of GBS infection, and therefore moms of preemies are the women most likely to get IV antibiotics.  The researchers recommended the use of penicillin G instead, and research into another approach, such as localized use of antibiotics.  (Mind, this was 14 years ago... WHY are IV drugs STILL the treatment of choice for GBS??) Two more quotes from Mothering magazine highlight the risk of antibiotic-resistant infections:

"We should not take lightly the use of antibiotics for 200 women and their babies to prevent only a single blood infection-however serious that infection might be-especially in this age of increasing resistance to antibiotics. [Edit:  remember the figure that 1 out of 200 babies get a GBS infection if their moms are untreated.] Concerns have arisen in several areas regarding the use of antibiotics for so many laboring women. One dilemma is that colonization of the vaginal area by GBS is, at best, a poor method of predicting whether a newborn will develop a GBS infection. As mentioned, even without any intervention during labor, fewer than 1 percent of infants born to carriers of GBS develop infections."

"A study of 43 newborns with blood infections caused by GBS and other bacteria found that, when the mothers of the ill newborns had been given antibiotics during labor, 88 to 91 percent of the infants' infections were resistant to antibiotics. It is unlikely to be a coincidence that the drugs to which the bacteria showed resistance were the same antibiotics that had been administered during labor. For the newborns who had developed blood infections without exposure to antibiotics during labor and delivery, only 18 to 20 percent of their infections were resistant to antibiotics."

So, are there more selective, less invasive means of treating GBS (if it needed to be treated), either before birth, during labor and after birth?
YES!!  The more I've read about IV-antibiotics, the more they seem like using an AK-47 to shoot a fly:  waayyyyy overkill.

First line of defense:  help the body regulate its own bacteria before birth.  If a mom is re-tested before she goes into labor and is GBS-, this whole issue is removed from the table.  This occurs without any intervention in some moms, and it can be helped along by non-invasive natural means, the biggest of which are:  probiotics (in capsules and in fermented foods like saurkraut and yogurt), garlic, and echinacea.  My own midwife puts any GBS+ moms on doses of garlic & echinacea, and retests in 3 weeks.  Read here about using garlic & goldenseal.  A fuller listing of suggestions is here.  As far as probiotics go, L. rhamnosus GR-1 and L. reuteri RC-14 are really helpful in regulating vaginal flora, and S. cerevisiae boulardii, Lactobacillus rhamnosus GG, and Bacillus coagulans GBI-30 are good for regulating digestive flora, so probiotics containing those strains would probably be most helpful.  (See a great article on using probiotics to fight various ailments here.)

Second line of defense, during labor: avoid cervical exams (and stripping of membranes), dilute the bacteria by giving birth in the water, or use a chlorhexadine vaginal wash (once every 6 hours) during labor once water has broken.  Not only are these methods less invasive, they target the only area where the GBS is located, as opposed to flooding the entire body.  To use the wash, a mom is handed a periwash squirt bottle and irrigates herself... no needles, no invasion of privacy, it's simple and done.  This has the added benefit of reducing other, non GBS infections, such as E. coli, as well-- remember, IV antibiotics INCREASED the risk of those!

"In this carefully screened target population, intrapartum vaginal flushings with chlorhexidine in colonized mothers display the same efficacy as ampicillin in preventing vertical transmission of group B streptococcus. Moreover, the rate of neonatal E. coli colonization was reduced by chlorhexidine." (from “Chlorhexidine vaginal flushings versus systemic ampicillin in the prevention of vertical transmission of neonatal group B streptococcus, at term.” J Matern Fetal Med 2002 Feb;11(2):84-8.-- Read its abstract and other related articles here.)

Third line of defense, after birth: as has been stated before, if a mom goes into labor without knowing her GBS status, or as an untreated GBS carrier, her baby can be tested for GBS infection and treated immediately if infected.

Lastly, I wondered what steps could be taken to help babies and moms treated in the standard way.
Probiotics!!  Both mom & baby will desperately need to rebuild their bacterial ecology.  One study found huge reduction in "colic" in infants who received the probiotic L. reuteri.  It would make sense to proactively give antibiotic-exposed infants such probiotics (the specific brand in the study was BioGaia, and it's readily available online at Amazon or at drugstores such as Walgreens), and to have moms taking therapeutic doses of the above mentioned probiotics.

One final note I'll make is that there is no real need for an expectant mom to have to have a full pelvic exam to be tested for GBS.  Many midwives simply hand their patients a swab and send them to the restroom to privately culture themselves.  I must say I greatly prefer this method. :)  As a dear friend put it yesterday, "they're called PRIVATE parts for a reason-- I'd like to keep it that way!"

[Personally, I feel the proactive measures of taking probiotics-- both in fermented foods and capsules (I'm taking first Renew Life Ultimate Flora Extra Care Probiotic- containing 10 probiotic strains including L. rhamnosus, L. acidophilus and several Bifidobacteria strains, then Nature's Way Primadophilus Reuteri, which contains L. reuteri, L. acidophilus & L. rhamnosus)-- as well as planning a water birth are the way to go.  If I'd had the option, I would have cultured myself and been tested that way... next time!  If I were GBS+ I'd first try the preventative measures of probiotics & garlic, etc, and if those weren't enough, I'd do the chlorhexadine wash.  :)]

37 Weeks!

37 Weeks

Last week I got a wonderful distraction from the end-of-pregnancy-waiting-game in the form of the birth of my niece, Adelaide Mae.  In answer to all of your prayers, the Lord allowed me to make it to North Carolina (barely) in time to witness the miracle!!  (I even got to cut the cord!)  We spent a few days enjoying baby Addie and trying to help out.  I'm glad I got a bit of a third-trimester energy boost!

As far as my own pregnancy goes, I'm progressing along.  37 cm, 159 lbs, baby's heart rate is strong, my bp & heart rate are dandy.  I'm back to my old ways of being ridiculously hungry, and I feel like Liam is taking up ALL the room in my abdomen. I regularly feel identifiable bones pushing FAR out.  He continues to drop-- we'll see how long he sticks around.  Restless legs continues to be my primary torment, though calcium supplements help, as well as peppermint oil on my feet, hot baths & massages from Ryan.  I absolutely hate the sleeplessness.

We are treasuring our days with Eowyn... hard to imagine that our "baby" will be our oldest child in a few weeks!

Ok... I can't sit still any more.

Holding my Blimp

35 Weeks & Counting...

Eowyn, Dad (i.e. GB), me, and Anna at Clemon's graduation

As you can see, William is growing along.  I am not gaining any weight, but am continuing to pop right out (35.5 cm on Monday) and to be in great health.  My belly itches like crazy as my stretch marks stretch, and I'm down to a very few trusty shirts, and even those aren't quite long enough.  I joked that it was a good thing Dad & Anna graduated when then did, or else I'd have had to show up in Ryan's old t-shirt! Several unpleasant episodes of nausea, vomiting, and general digestive unrest, and my favorite old symptom from Eowyn's pregnancy:  restless legs, but otherwise I've got good energy and am breathing easier as he is dropping lower and lower (get outta my diaphragm, boy!).  **Tips for restless legs:  hot bath just before bed, cat-cow stretches, and peppermint essential oil rubbed on the soles of my feet.  The three of those combined USUALLY mean I can fall asleep!  If they fail me (usually when I'm super-over-tired, then a nice head rub and back massage from Ryan finishes it off).

It's been a super-busy past week, with Ryan out of town, making the slide shows for my dad & sis, organizing and cleaning the house for two sets of guests, lots of family outings related to the graduation, and trying to get all our Mothers' Day cards & gifts finished & mailed.  I've been staying up past midnight for the past week and it's catching up to me!  We took a double-date trip with some Louisville friends (Kane & Lyssa H.) to the Biltmore Estate yesterday, while my dear mamita kept Eowyn all day.  It was a blast-- the audio-guide tour (ultra-spiffy headsets... which we all synchronized because we're cool like that) through the house, mansion, palace, let's be honest-- the vineyard & wine-tasting, and dinner at the Bistro.  We haven't been back since our honeymoon almost 5 years ago and it was lots of good memories, both recalled and made.  I did have to duck out mid-day and go nap for 2 hours in the car, while they went through the gardens & conservatory, but it was a small price to pay.  Ryan and I are hoping to return in the next few weeks for a little baby-moon! 

I've started Dr. Christopher's Birth Prep Formula; herbal capsules taken in increasing doses the last 6 weeks of pregnancy.  I can tell they are helping tone my uterus (more contractions!) and will hopefully live up to their hype of shortening labor!  I've seen them help friends of mine, and my midwife recommended them.  It made it seem a bit more real to be taking them!  I also had my physician-overseen visit, as SC requires in the final 6 weeks of pregnancy.  I was declared fit for an out-of-hospital birth and got 4 prescriptions to get filled for the birth (3 in case of emergency, and the Vitamin K for the baby)... also making this very real.  I just dropped them off today! 

My baby projects are mostly done; his crib quilt (matches Eowyn's!), the shelves all hung in the kids' room, a new flannel sailboat bassinet sheet, his "L'il Bro'" onesie and a faux-tie onesie...and something new I'm trying this time around- cloth postpartum pads.  (Some I ordered from Talulah Bean, others I made. ) All I need to do once he's here is get his quilt & towel monogrammed!  His bag is packed for the birthing center, and mine is almost there.  First, though, we are waiting on Baby "Lily" as my sister Nicole is due, well... in the next week-ish.  Barring any calls, we'll be heading up to be with her at the end of this week-- please pray with me that I'll get to be there to help ease her entry into the world!  We're hoping she bucks the late-first-baby trend so I can be there. :)

In the meantime, I've been researching Group B strep testing, and probiotics!  Posts forthcoming! :)

Eowyn is very excited about her brother coming, and is so sweet about kissing, hugging, blowing zerberts on, and itching/rubbing my belly.  She's gotten really "into" puzzles lately-- her great-grandparents brought her a horse puzzle she found a bit challenging at first, and now does about a dozen times daily.  I love how independently she's playing these days!  Last week she melted my heart twice:  once, with an out-of-the-blue "You a good mommy, Mommy.", and again with her unprompted effort to load the dishwasher after her breakfast.  Her explanation:  "I want be your helper, Mommy."  Yes, yes!! Please!

Two Grads at Once!

It's been a crazy-full week looking forward to the double family-Clemson-graduation of my dad and my youngest sister.  Dad got his PhD in Mechanical Engineering and Anna got her Bachelor of Arts in Biology with a Music Minor.  As you can imagine, we've got lots of family in town (meaning I had to whip the guest rooms into somewhat decent shape) and had a full day of graduation and party yesterday.  Mom did the lion's share of the work- hosting a dinner Thursday and then the party Friday- my job was to do the slideshows.  Here they are for your enjoyment!  I so enjoyed looking at the skads of old pictures and realizing afresh just how much the Lord has blessed us.  We've had so many good times!

Dad's Slideshow

Dad's Graduation from Mama Szrama on Vimeo.  Song credits are "Sovereign Grace" by Judy Rogers (off her Pilgrim's Praise album-- which goes through Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress) and "How Full is the Love of God" off our friend Benjamin Brainard's new album Behold the Savior (it's EXCELLENT!! I plan to do a full posting on what makes this album so good- look it up on iTunes).  

Anna's Slideshow

Anna's Graduation Slideshow from Mama Szrama on Vimeo.  Song credits:  "Great is Thy Faithfulness" by Fernando Ortega (on Shadow of Your Wings: Hymns & Sacred Songs) and "Class Reunion (That Used To Be Us)"" by Lonestar

The Shadows Prove the Sunlight

Yesterday I packed a snack and water cup for my two-year-old daughter, dressed her in a pink sundress and pigtails, and dropped her off at the church nursery.  I sat next to my husband and held his hand as we sang hymns, shared a electronic Bible with him, and poked him when he made funny comments during the sermon.  It was a very normal, happy day for our little family.

Across the continent, my friends were crying.  Their baby girl had just died in their arms.  After 9 months of expectation, of waiting, of doing everything just right, after a labor and delivery that seemed absolutely perfect, they spent 24 hours wondering why their baby girl wouldn't breathe on her own... and then held her as she was welcomed home to her Father in Heaven.

A few states north of me, another friend was also grieving.  A year ago she was excitedly telling me about her and her newly-wed husband's plans to move West and start their dream life.  Then, all of a sudden, I saw on Facebook that he had cancer.  Just like that, their plans all changed.  We all prayed for healing and for persevering grace.  Yesterday, the Lord answered those prayers by bringing her husband into a perfect body that will never suffer again, and His grace has shone through her testimony (and his) throughout this entire trial.

It hit me that they both just lost the things I most treasure on this earth.  I mean, what would it be like to make that post to Facebook: "my husband is with Jesus now."  Or "Thank you for all your prayers; we'll need them even more as we head home from the hospital with empty arms"?  I can imagine all too well.  It would tear my heart to shreds.

And at the same time, the Lord is bringing other thoughts to mind.  Their shadow has opened my eyes to the light I am enjoying.  Shadows are supposed to do that-- to draw our eyes in search of the Light casting them.

And yet I complain to my Father in Heaven that my husband didn't help with the dishes again, that I'm so tired of being woken up to take a toddler "potty" again, that my marriage isn't the easy companionship it is "supposed" to be every day, that my daughter has those days where she tests every single limit in our home (including my sanity).  I complain, and I whine "this isn't what I asked for!  I've obeyed You so well-- can't I get the perfect happy life I "deserve?"" (hah!)

This has been such a reminder of just how happy my life is;  of just how much the Lord has given me in plain, undeserved kindness.  If and when He calls me to go through the trials of loss (someday, I will lose everything I love to death), I know He will give me His Joy and Peace even then.  But in the mean time, really, why do I complain?

Not only do I have the eternal blessings of Holy Spirit to comfort, guide & convict, of a Savior's love so deep it went to Calvary for me and constantly pleads my case in front of God, of a Father who looks at me with pure affection and pride because He only sees His perfect Son when He looks at me-- as if that wasn't enough, I also have a beautiful, safe home in a peaceful country, with a hard-working husband who makes me laugh, and a baby girl whose preciousness only grows every day.  That's just the important stuff-- there are so many other blessings that are gifts I forget about.  As someone once said, "Anything short of Hell is Grace."  And anything on top of that?  I guess it's just extravagance.

May I always treat my Father as an extravagant Giver instead of a stingy kill-joy.  No matter what hardships He ordains for me, I know they are temporary, and are intended to make me happier-- infinitely happy!-- later on.

“For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

  

Soul, then know thy full salvation-
Rise o’er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
What a Father’s smiles are thine,
  What a Savior died to win thee--
Child of heaven, canst thou repine? 
(-"Jesus, I my Cross Have Taken")

  

Seeking to walk as one who knows that Beauty and feels that Smile everyday,

~Christina

Mishmosh Parenting Post

She's kind of a big deal

I've had the privilege of reading a half-dozen really helpful articles that all loosely relate to the topic "parenting."  And, lest you think I spend all my time trolling the net in search of a good article, I must thank my Facebook Friends for linking to most of these.  :)  Regard this as a preparation for Mother's Day, if you will.  I know I am printing each of these out and adding them to my "parenting" binder (yes, I have one of those =D).

Two reminders on just how precious motherhood and care of little ones is:
- "You're a Mom; You're Kind of a Big Deal" (Kat)
- "Your Children want YOU!" (April Perry)
Both of these could also be applied to dads, or even to teachers or others who invest heavily in little people whose needs are so great and whose ability to articulate praise is so small.  Anyone who doesn't believe the impact of a good mom can just ask someone who didn't have one.  Such an absence is so keenly felt.  And God sees the effort, the struggle to do what is right, the hours of service, even when no one else (definitely not the tiny person whose clothes I am again laundering) does... His is the "well done, good and faithful servant" I'm going for!
** EDIT: HOW COULD I FORGET THIS ONE!???
 -" Desperate, Breathless, Dependent Parenting"- such a great perspective.  Why we can't be "do-it-by-our-own-bootstraps" parents.

Chowing down on Pad Thai at 2

-"A No-Nonsense Strategy for Picky Eaters" (Renee at FIMBY)- I'm fully expecting to get a "picky eater" somewhere along the line, especially since E is soooooooo easy when it comes to food (Ethiopian, sushi, Thai, French, British, Guatemalan, you name it, she eats it and likes it and eats plenty of it)... we did have a few "food battles" early on (one around 15 months, another brief period after age 2), and may again, but this article very well summarizes our family strategy! It makes eating out so easy as well as eating in other people's homes (especially the parts about watching Mommy & Daddy eating anything and everything wonky).

Taking time to smell the flowers

-"Parenting is Never an Interruption" (Paul Tripp)- once again, God's sovereignty crashes into own sinful desires to "get done what I want to get done."

- "Women, Stop Submitting to Men" (Russell Moore)- helpful in thinking about how I want to raise my daughter to view men!

My mom with my baby

- "Vaccination" (Suzanne Humpheries), particularly the idea that vaccines aren't effective before age 1 (at the earliest) due to a baby's different immune system.  I'd read doctors who recommended waiting until age 2 to vaccinate due to concerns over neurological development, as well as immune system fragility, but hadn't considered whether the vaccines would even work on infants.  If it's true that they don't work, that will certainly change what we do in our own family vaccine plan! I'm trying to dig deeper and find studies, etc., that substantiate this claim.  So far what I've waded through does seem to back it up.  (Study on measles vaccine being more effective at 12 mos. than at 9 mos.; a study of Hib vaccine failures that seems to imply that the vaccine fails more often in younger babies; and a discussion of vaccine immunology that discusses the difference in immune responses based on age)

Book Review: Surprised By Oxford (Carolyn Weber)

Fun little story about this book:  I got through the bulk of it on our recent trip to & from Portland, Oregon-- well, more precisely Boring & Damascus, Oregon.  While we were there, we attended and enjoyed the Church of the Good Shepherd.  Our friend who invited us there talked a bit about their founding pastor, stating he was in the special forces a long time ago and was friends with folks high-up in the military, so they do a lot to honor veterans & current soldiers.  As I was reading this book, I "met" the narrator/author's future father-in-law, who was a pastor in Boring, Oregon-- he founded a church out there after serving as a Green Beret in Vietnam and feeling a call to leave military service and enter pastoral.  The thank yous in the back gave his name as Stu Weber.  A quick google revealed that he was indeed the founding pastor of the church we'd attended on Easter morning, mere days before I read about him on the page!  Kinda cool, huh?

Ok, anyway about the book itself.  Reminiscent of Sheldon Vanauken's A Severe Mercy in both setting (Oxford) and content (beautifully written account of grappling with the Gospel and coming to faith in Christ) and of Lauren Winner's Girl Meets God in both content and layout (the liturgical/scholastic year), it is a memoir narrating the author's journey into academia and faith.  Carolyn is a diligent Canadian graduate student who arrives in Oxford from a broken but loving family, with her work ethic and literary bent to stand on, and the nagging memory of a favorite professor who happened to be a Christian.  She is surprised to find herself befriended by several Christians who are surprisingly normal, especially one American Oregon boy she dubs "TDH" (for Tall Dark & Handsome).  Surrounded by fellow searchers as well as those who claim they've been Found, she is surprised that her former categories for the Believing are hard-pressed here.  She meets Christians in all sorts of surprising places, from the Provost to respected professors, all in the intense intelligent atmosphere that Oxford exudes.

I highly recommend this book, both as an engaging story (it's a romance, it's a faith journey, it's a coming-of-age) and as a Biblically-sound apology of Christianity. In fact, the human romance is a mere reflection of the Divine Romance unfolding in Carolyn's life.  There is meaning her nickname, "Caro,"-- Italian for "beloved." She realizes just how Beloved she is, and it sets her free. Some passages I highlighted with specific struggles of my own in mind.  Others I marked thinking of friends who seem to be struggling to believe.  I hope this book's story helps me portray the Story all the better to those around me still in darkness.  Fans of Lewis & his ilk will also smile to find nods to him in particular passages.  Fans of Milton will rejoice as well.  Personally, I'm motivated to read Paradise Lost!

The writing is beautiful.  Many thoughts are profound.  I dog-eared many pages, starred passages and underlined many a line.  This book re-kindled in me a desire to embrace poetry, particularly ancient poetry.  I love Oxford more than any place I've visited, and it was wonderful to read about events occurring in places I myself had been.  (It seems Oxford has the same effect on many people.)  For those who have never been to Oxford, you'll want to go.  Mrs. Weber does a great job bringing its sights, smells and feel to life.

Teachers and parents-- especially mothers-- take heart!  You will be encouraged as you see how much influence you can have and just how valuable your work is.

Perhaps the book could have been shorter... but she is an academic, so what do you expect? :)

4 1/2 stars.

Disclaimer:  I received a free copy of this book through the Book Sneeze program in exchange for my honest review.  All opinions are my own.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Using Ryan's computer while on vacation has led me to discover pictures I'd never seen before, or never have had the opportunity to upload... I uploaded them for old time's sake, and really have enjoyed looking at pictures of us- especially marveling at how much E has grown!

If you want to, you can jump in and see... pics from our trip to Paris, pics from our 4th Anniversary visit to Versailles, and Halloween!

Oregon Pics

See some more pics from beautiful Oregon in the spring here.

Eowyn's Easter Basket

Eowyn's Easter Basket

This year we are again at Ryan's dad's house in beautiful green Portland, Oregon!  (See pics here and here.) We'd been experiencing a lot of very wet weather (par for the course in Oregon's spring?), but Easter dawned bright & beautiful!  I can't fault the rain when it means everything is so lush and vibrant!

The first words out of Eowyn's mouth were "now I can open my last egg and get my purple basket with my white shoes and new books and treats!"  Doesn't forget anything, that one.  She was just as excited as she'd hoped to be about her purple Easter basket, most especially her new white "church shoes."  More on the basket & its contents in a minute.

Ryan, E & I attended a local Easter service with one of Ryan's "Drupal connections"-- so nice to have those pretty much all over the world. :)  The service was beautiful, with a good message on both the historical reality of the Resurrection AND its relevance to us today.  (Eowyn especially rocked out to the Hallelujah Chorus!) We found the people very friendly, from Steve's kids jumping right in to playing with Eowyn to strangers striking up conversations with us to free espressos at the in-house coffee bar!  The setting was absolutely gorgeous- so much so that we came back later in the day just to walk their wooded trail and play on their playground.

Note:  I forgot to get a picture of her basket
before she broke her tools in "helping" in Savta's garden...

We came home and, as mentioned before, got to enjoy a brunch with more family than we'd expected!  Honestly, I really really like the idea of making an Easter brunch our family tradition (rather than the ham, etc.)-- it's so low-stress, easy and yummy! Once they left, Ryan hid the Resurrection Eggs we've been opening every day in the front yard while Sabba & Savta gave E their little treats for Easter-- a stuffed dog that looks like their toy poodles in a fun Spring-colored purse, and healthy treats like dried fruits and fruit chews and peanut-butter cups. Eowyn insisted on carrying the purse on her egg-hunt.  We all helped Eowyn find the eggs (the dogs would have liked to help more, hah) and then she and I opened each one in order and told the whole Easter story.  She was surprised to find that the last egg was empty-- just like Jesus' tomb!

If you are looking for a great tradition that helps keep Easter about Christ's work and not rabbits, we really have liked the Resurrection Eggs!  You can buy them (made by FamilyLife and sold in many Christian bookstores) or put them together yourself, as I did when I was preschool teacher.  They are very inexpensive to make, with many items you can make or find around the house, but you may have to raid the dollar store and/or craft store for a few items.  There are different lists, like this one, or this one, and some families go beyond just the eggs and make an Easter tree too.  The FamilyLife eggs have an optional accompanying story book called Benjamin's Box (Melody Carlson) which is really good-- a school-age comprehension level, so I had to paraphrase some for Eowyn this year, but we both appreciated the pictures and the sweet story.

I was surprised at how much Eowyn got "into" Easter this year, actually!  She would wake up from every nap asking if she could open the next egg (usually remembering exactly what color it was), and we'd have to explain that it wasn't tomorrow yet.  She remembered the story in quite a bit of detail as we opened the eggs each morning and told a little bit more.  Next year I hope to add Scripture memory to our eggs.

Here's our take on the Easter basket:  white dress shoes (for William they'll probably be just new dress shoes), an age-appropriate story Bible or devotional, book(s), and either a new outfit or other treats.  So far every year grandparents have added stuffed animals and edible goodies, too.  This year Eowyn got her beloved new shoes, the Beginner's Bible, Benjamin's Box (from Nina),  a set of 3 Little Chick board books (motivated mostly by the long plane ride home), and gardening tools.  My mom had already given her a beautiful smocked dress for her birthday that I'd set aside as the perfect "Easter dress," so we swapped out the dress for child-sized gardening tools (a shovel, spade, trowel, rake, and watering can).  [Most items in the basket were bought consignment or on clearance after last Easter, I must confess.]  This has so far gotten Eowyn excited and commemorated Easter as a celebration but also been both practical and Christ-centered.

PS- E is still wearing the new shoes.

What Easter traditions do you have in your families?

Improptu Easter Brunch

We had just gotten home from the Easter service when the doorbell rang unexpectedly.  Surprise!  It was Joanna's son James, his wife Mindy & their little son Lazarus!  They had misunderstood the invite for a family brunch NEXT Sunday, and shown up today.  We were quite happy about the mix-up, as I'd been dying to meet little Lazarus, and this meant Eowyn got to get re-acquainted with just a little bit of the family at a time-- she gets a bit overwhelmed in large groups... which makes sense if you're only 3 feet tall, I guess.

We enjoyed fruit, pancakes, eggs and fried potatoes together and thought it was a great addition to Easter!

She likes her pancakes with lots of jam!

Savta Jo whipping up some eggs

"Sabba Rob, Daddy, and Uncle James" all pulling their best candid faces

Lazarus, 9 mos old... the mellowest, cutest little guy you ever did see!

First Forays into Greenville

Visiting Reedy Falls Park with visiting Aunt Courtney!

We've gone to the Zoo twice-- once with Ryan on a beautiful Saturday, once with my Tia Olga, capped off in a picnic in the neighboring Cleveland Park with Ryan, Poppy & Aunt Courtney!  We've also enjoyed several parks-- our neighborhood playground, Pittman Park (usually with Goose, my sister's dog), and our favorite- Reedy Falls Park downtown.  We LOVE going downtown.  Eowyn's already recognizes the ice cream store on sight and starts requesting "eye-keem" about a block away.  I've got my own favorite, a bubble tea shop called O-Cha.  My aunt gave us a huge coupon book as a Housewarming gift and it's full of fun coupons to help us explore our new town!

We've also visited 3 churches in the area, and have loved them all.  God's people are sweet wherever they gather!

At the zoo with Daddy, meeting Ladybird & Joy (the elephants)

Her Favorite Zoo Attraction:  running through the mister 

Enjoying our Weekly Story Time (every Wed, followed by lunch at Nina's!)

With Mommy & the Brother-bump at the Zoo

Thoughts from Eowyn's Birth

Writing everything up again with the perspective of hindsight and the additional knowledge & experience I now have as a doula-in-training, leaves me with a few thoughts I'm filing away for next time (i.e. gulp!- 11 weeks from now):

Lookin at her perfect face, 3 days old

-- I'm excited about having a home birth midwife (Lord-willing) attend me next time, because she'll be with me most of the time.  I would like to hire a doula for the same reason.  While my hospital midwife was great, she just wasn't there for the first two days of my labor-- while I'm sure her partner told her about finding Eowyn's head descending in front of the cervix rather than directly over it, since she wasn't there, there wasn't much she could do about it.  Had a midwife (or even a doula) been with me, we probably would have been doing various things to encourage Eowyn to rotate, from the rebozo technique to fetal stroking to side-lying to sitting in warm water to doing strategic back massage (to relax the back & pelvis so it was more comfy for Eowyn).  I also doubt that pitocin would have been recommended, since the problem wasn't "inefficient" contractions (the monitors were showing them nice & strong, and I sure was feeling them loud & clear!) but rather a baby in a position keeping the cervix from dilating.  Pitocin would probably have only made things worse, tiring me even more, tensing me up, possibly requiring me to stay in positions that did NOT encourage fetal rotation & descent, and stressing Eowyn.  Had she not shifted who knows where we would have ended up.  I'm so thankful that the Lord had her move!

-- I'm so thankful I wasn't induced.  While my labor was long, my body knew when to take breaks, both for my sake and for Eowyn's.  My contractions eased so I was able to sleep for 4 hoursish, and then were spaced enough at various points throughout the next 12 hours that I was able to rest and refuel.  Once you are on a pitocin drip, your uterus is essentially being forced to contract without any regard to the signals the rest of the body (and baby's body) is sending-- such as "we need to rest!"  While some doctors are willing to turn the pitocin down and let a mom sleep, most do the opposite and keep turning it up until a baby is out (especially if your water has already been broken).

Very tired, but happy 1 day after birth (with Ryan & his mama)

-- It's not a bad thing to go home from the hospital and try again later. :)  For one thing, you can eat as much as you want!  If you're hungry, it's because you need the calories... your body knows when to stockpile.

-- Hydrotherapy, counter-pressure, emotional support, and moving around are the best ways to avoid thinking about pain meds for most moms.  Also having an environment where they aren't even mentioned-- like I said, I never even thought about them.  Now if I'd been alone, in a bed, told to lay on my back, told I'd probably need meds soon... that would have been different.

-- While much of my family was in town, since they drove there wasn't the pressure of being on a timetable lest they miss meeting the baby.  This is huge.  As a doula, one of my first recommendations to my clients is:  unless you want your family member helping you IN labor, tell them to schedule their trip 2 weeks after your due date.  That way, they're sure to meet the baby, and you won't be pressured or anxious to have the baby in a certain time frame!

-- I will remember to keep my pitch "low" next time.  Now I know that it's instinct for most first-time moms to tense up with each contraction and let out these higher-pitched moans & screams, but these just serve to keep mom's whole body tense.  Far better to keep a lower pitch (my tagline is usually "try to sound like a cow...a very feminine, sexy cow") which leads to relaxation.  Had someone been coaching me to do that-- to keep my mouth loose and my pitch low-- I may not have torn so badly.

-- In future I will try to push to the "ring of fire" and then stop and pant/blow.  With Eowyn I was so tired of being in labor, and just so tired in general, that we were all just concerned with being done! and I didn't really care at all about how much pressure or burning I felt in the process.  Having gone through the recovery now, I'll (maybe) care a little more. :)

Was she really this small??

-- We got a surprise when Eowyn's physical exam came back saying her estimated gestational age was not 41 weeks 1 day, but 39 weeks!  I'm skeptical that she actually was early (look at the size of her, come on... and the fact that my body was preparing for her to come by dilating 4 cm), but it's quite within the realm of possibility that she was just a "crock-pot baby."  Babies develop at different rates OUT of the womb (sitting, rolling over, grasping, etc. at different ages)... why not IN the womb, too?  This is yet another reason I'm glad that I was never pressured to induce labor.  Had I been induced on my "due date" I would have been pushing out a baby as mature as the average 38 week-er.  With brain and lungs being what develops most those last few weeks, I'm glad she got to have the time she needed.  As long as fetal heart tones are strong and fluid levels are fine, there doesn't seem to be any reason to do anything but wait and let Baby say when he's ready to come (it's also not uncommon for due dates to be miscalculated by 2 weeks or even more).  I'll be preaching this to myself once it's June, I am sure.

Eowyn's Birth Story, Part 2: Settling in for the Long Haul

Finally, Ryan gets to hold his daughter!

Day 2:  Settling in for the Long Haul
(read Part 1 here)
Once home, contractions slowed enough for me to think I might be able to sleep through them.  Mom fed me a little food, heated up the water bottle one more time for me, and propped it against my back with pillows.  Ryan slid into bed beside me and within 20 minutes the house was still and quiet.  I awoke 4 1/2 hours later and updated the blog & FB, and curled up in my blue recliner to try and pray.

I was quite frustrated, and told the Lord so.  :) Hadn't I felt like she'd never be born?  Why tease me like this?  I just want to see my baby... what is going on?  In His kindness, He met with me in my fear and unbelief and comforted me with His Word:  "Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord, at the presence of the God of Jacob, who turns the rock into a pool of water, the flint into a spring of water." (Ps. 114: 7-8)  Ok, Lord-- if Your presence can make hard rocks refreshing, You can make times of waiting sweet.  Your nearness is enough.  I'll be content to sit with You.

By this time, Ryan's mom, step-dad, sister, and grandparents were all en route from Georgia & Virginia, as they'd been told we were headed to the hospital the previous evening.  Our small house got very full, but everyone was very respectful and quiet.  Ryan's step-dad hung the new curtains Ryan's mom had made for us, the two grandmas-to-be made a roast (my request) with plenty of potatoes.  People asked me questions, and I found myself unable to answer.  I'd hit my wall with decision-making.

Meanwhile, I tried to follow my midwife's advice and rest as much as possible.  "In my experience, walking doesn't really help much with getting labor going-- it just tires you out.  When you're ready, your body will start back up again, and you're going to wish you had more rest!"  With my abs already feeling like I'd done 100 too many crunches, I believed her.  Contractions continued throughout the day, many of them strong and semi-regular, but we resisted the urge to time them.  I worked through them with breathing, swaying, rocking, and spent most of the day lying on the couch or on the birthing ball.  Reading back over my journal I'm reminded at just how many people were praying for me, and how the Lord kept me trusting Him, at peace in His plan, His will, His timetable.  Ryan & I went to lay down for a nap for about 2 hours in the afternoon.  I couldn't actually sleep, but being just the two of us in the dim quiet was good for my nerves.  By dinner time I devoured two plates of roast & veggies (my mother in law later admitted she was shocked at just how much I ate!)-- my body knew I'd need the strength.  I was SO glad I wasn't in a hospital with someone telling me I wasn't allowed to eat!!

By day's end (9 pm) I had a head-ache and sciatic nerve pain during contractions-- still plenty of contractions, many of them strong, but no change in frequency. .  I couldn't resist running up and down the stairs a few times around dinner, but gave that up fairly quickly as a stupid idea. :)   I called Beth again, at my family's insistence, and she assured me that neither headache nor nerve pain were cause for alarm. "The headache probably has something to do with the fact that you didn't get any sleep last night!" she chuckled.  She recommended hands-and-knees to try and shift Eowyn off whatever she was pinching.  And then she encouraged me to go to bed.


Intense Labor, Round Two
Of course, as soon as I lay down, Little Miss Drama Queen decided it was a good time to be born after all.  I couldn't take it lying down, either, so Ryan & I back to our old standby of walking through contractions.  As soon as I'd feel one starting I'd lean on him, we'd slowly walk with him keeping my breathing deep and even, until I told him it was over. Between contractions I usually rested on all fours or leaned on the birth ball or against the bed.  We kept the lights low and paced slowly, around, and up and down.  I remember the calm, yellow-golden light, the gentle burnished glow of the hardwood floor, the feel of the beige blanket on my cheek, and the pattern of blue plaid on the bedspread.  I was most happy moving through contractions.  Hardest for me was remembering to breathe deeply and to relax instead of tensing up during a contraction-- so counter-intuitive for me.  Ryan helped so much at this point, helping me relax, reminding me to breathe slowly, and pressing against my back & hips as I requested. 

Mom worked quietly keeping the hot water bottle filled & applied, and timing contractions.  I lost all track of time, life becoming a routine of contractions and strength-gathering.  I vaguely remember Ryan calling Beth a few times-- I asked him not to tell me how close or far my contractions were. It was all I could do to just work through the contractions one at a time, without worrying about "progress" or how much longer it would be. 

By 3 am we re-packed up the car (forgetting much more than the first time), tiptoed through the house to avoid waking sleeping family, and drove to Clark Memorial again.  Again we went to triage.  Again I got hooked up to the cuff, the monitors.  This time I spent very little time in the bed, though, and  spent the next 2 hours walking the halls.  All night, I sang to myself "When through the deep waters I call you to go/ the rivers of sorry shall not overflow/ for I will be with you, your troubles to bless/ and sanctify to you your deepest distress." and praying "Lord, I want to meet my baby.  Please help me meet my baby."  I cried at times, but nothing uncontrollable.  The hospital felt so bright and white.  Ryan, who had been up with me two nights in a row now, bearing much of my weight, was so tired he laid down in my bed, asking us to wake him in a half-hour.  We let him sleep. :)


Day 3:  Begging for Mercy

I think it was around 5 am that the nurse on duty checked me.  All that labor and still only 4-5 cm.  Again the check was very painful;  Eowyn was still descending in front of the cervix, meaning all these contractions weren't dilating me much at all.  They were strong & regular, but not getting harder or closer together.  They were also on the long side-- about 1 1/2 minutes long.  (all signs of an unevenly or malpositioned baby)  Beth advised me to be admitted and start a pitocin drip, concerned that without getting the contractions closer together, I would labor another 24 hours and be too tired to push.  Ryan & I asked everyone to leave so we could decide what to do.  I totally fell apart.  So much was at stake, and I was too exhausted to make this choice... but no one else could.  I knew I could manage these contractions, but wasn't sure about the pitocin-augmented ones.  Worse, the nurses informed us that their portable fetal monitors were malfunctioning, meaning I'd be tied to the bed, since continuous fetal monitoring is a must once drugs get involved.  No way did I think I could handle pit contractions in a bed, without the option of hot water to ease the pain.  I saw a clear slide from pitocin drip to some form of pain killer to ...C-section?  I cried & cried and begged Ryan to pray for us.  We asked for wisdom, for peace, and for God's mercy to move Eowyn so that my body could work on its own.

It took about an hour for the room to be readied, for me to get a Hep-lock for the IV, for the paperwork to be finished.  The Lord's peace fell on me; I knew I could trust Him, and that He is Good.  By 6 am we were in our new home.  I met my L & D nurse, Judy, who turned out to be an amazing help-- totally no-nonsense, capable, yet motherly and reassuring.  I trusted her right away.

Our first "miracle" came in the form of a nurse bustling in, saying "let's see if we can't get this telemetry (portable fetal monitor) unit to work!" My heart leapt-- if they could get that working, suddenly I had the option of laboring in a tub again, not to mention unlimited movement.  My miracle-worker fiddled a bit, then, presto!  It worked!  I couldn't stop thanking her, or God.  Then, Judy told me it was time to start the pitocin drip.  Something told me to wait.  "Please, just wait until my midwife gets here-- she's on her way-- just let me check her one more time, ok?"  They agreed.

Within 10 minutes, Beth arrived and I felt myself relax even more. It's amazing what feeling like you are safe and in good hands does for a body!  She checked me, and for the first time I screamed-- "please!"  Beth "emerged" with a huge grin:  "You're not going to need that pitocin!  You're at 8 cm, and I just stretched you another 1/2!  I can break your water right now if you want!  That'll probably speed everything right up!"  Breathless with disbelief, I asked "you can reach the cervix?"  "Yes! No trouble at all!"  God had answered our prayers.  Eowyn had moved, and in one & 1/2 hours, my body had dilated 3 1/2 cm, when 36 hrs of labor had progressed me less than 1.  I was so thankful I was almost giddy, and I said "yes, yes! do it!"  I'll spare you the details of having your water broken, but I didn't much like it. :)


On to Transition

Now, the real fun began.  Steadily, the contractions grew harder.  I got louder, actually yelling, to tell the truth.  Judy helped me get control of myself, making sure I was one top, riding the contractions instead of being pulled, dragged, behind them.  I found a huge difference between vocalizing (yelling) as a way to keep focus and as a sign of losing control.  I often stared into Ryan's deep brown eyes, and he'd breathe with me.  I remember doing what my mom had told me she did in her labors, and crying out Jesus' name-- and having Him help me.  He kept giving me the endurance for one more contraction, never failed.  We kept the lights low, my "labor mix" playing, and I hung little E's white eyelet dress as a visual focal point.  Out the window was a pro-life billboard featuring one of my preK students as an infant in his father's hand, and that was another encouraging focus point.

By 9 am I tried getting into the labor tub.  The warm water felt great, but I got frustrated at how slippery I found the tub-- no hand-holds or places to push against.  I tried a few different things, but felt so insecure, like I'd just slip all the way under the water.  I remember begging Ryan "help me, please!" and drawing on his calm unflappable strength.  Looking back, I'm pretty sure this is when I hit transition.  I made my way back to the bed, and I remember asking Ryan "how many more do I have to do?"  "Just a few more, Baby, you're almost done."  "You don't know that!  You're just saying that to make me feel better!" "No, I really mean it- I promise."  (Internally, he was praying, "Lord, don't make me a liar!")  I remember thinking "women who do this more than once are clinically INSANE... yeah, I'm sure I'll be one of those insane women eventually..."  Once I think I shouted that I was going to DIE... but not once did the thought of pain meds cross my mind.  I was way too busy getting through each contraction as each came.

Beth & Judy suggested various labor positions.  Some helped, but being on my side was unbearable.  We tried it twice, since this often helps malpositioned babies rotate and descend, but I completely fell apart each time.  Something about childbirth is so intimate and precious-- the utter vulnerability you have in your nakedness and pain, yet the amazing power and confidence you feel as you alone must- and can- bring forth this mingling of you and your husband.

Final Phase:  Pushing!
11 am found me dilated to 9 1/2 cm, and Beth had me push a little bit as she stretched me the last 1/2 cm.  A few pushes later, and my body began giving me that unmistakable, undeniable urge to push.  It took me a little while to figure out how to coordinate pushing, breathing, resting, and the urges-- I actually did find it helpful for Judy to count once I started pushing with the urge, with me not stopping pushing for 10 counts.  Some women dread pushing, but I loved it.  It was like the pain of lifting weights vs. long-distance running.  With running, there's a persistent pain, but all you can do is keep going, confident that the pain will get you where you want to go.  With lifting, there's a specific pain of muscles giving all they have, with the sweet release of rest in between and the knowledge that that specific pain just accomplished some thing.  Also encouraging was watching the "baby team" assemble around me-- that meant she was close, right?  Between contractions, I collapsed against the pillows, with Ryan spooning ice chips into my mouth and my mom putting cool cloths on my forehead.  When another contraction started, I sat up, Mom snatched away the cloths, and I grabbed the squat bar and pushed with all my might.  Hah!  I just remembered Ryan's live-Tweeting of the event.  He would grab his phone and type a few words, then as soon as I sat up, rush back to my side.

By noon, Eowyn was crowning.   I gave a last huge push and her head was out.  I watched her be born, finding it fascinating that the grey mass suddenly became a face-- one looking straight at me (hah! THAT's why she took so long to come out-- she was "posterior" or "sunny side up").  Beth kept her hands ready to catch and coached Ryan on where to grab as I gave another push and she was out!  "How do I grip her? She's so slippery!" he laughed, and she was slippery!  I've never seen such a vernixy baby-- she looked like she was a wedge of white-rined cheese!  I reached down and caught her too, and pulled her straight up to look me in the eye.  My mom somehow snapped a picture of us staring at each other-- her mouth open in a cry of her first breath, mine in amazement that she was here, in the air!  12:09, and my family waiting outside the door heard a healthy lusty cry, and my amazed "Daddy!  We have a baby girl!"

It was another miracle to see the pink spread throughout her body, starting with her face & chest, and moving down to her grey-purple perfect fingers and toes.  The cord was long enough for me to cradle her and kiss on her easily, and she quieted down in my arms very soon.  I was totally blissful.  One of my favorite parts of natural labor is how amazing Mom feels once Baby is out, and how awake Baby is!  (This is how "high" I was:  soon as she was out, in my arms, and nursing, I turned to Ryan-- this is as they are still delivering my placenta, mind!-- and grinned "Let's do that again!" Apparently I'd already forgotten that an hour before I classified such "repeat offenders" as "clinically insane."  Yeah... endorphins, my friend.  They really do a body good.)  Delivering the placenta, being stitched up (2nd degree tear, 11 stitches), whatever!  I had my daughter in my arms!  She latched on and began to nurse very quickly, and as soon as she did my uterus started contracting again, stopping my bleeding and allowing me to forgo even a shot of pitocin.  Ryan cut the cord once it stopped pulsing.  We got a shock when the scale told us she was 8 lbs 10 1/2 oz!  "Where were you hiding her!?" Beth asked me. I remember Ryan saying that the family wanted to see the baby, and I freaked out "no! don't let anyone in!"  My modesty was returning, heh.  He assured me that no one would come in, but he did hold her up at the door so they could catch a look at the first grand child.

I remember crashing (energy-wise) as I was on the phone with a friend, telling her the good news.  All of a sudden I just wanted to sleep for days.  I was wheeled to recovery holding my baby, and was so proud to get all the compliments in the elevator-- could she be any more perfect?  Once we got to our room, Ryan took sleeping 2-hour-old Eowyn to the nursery for her observation & hearing tests, etc., and I pretty much passed out on the bed.  Sleep felt like ice cream... yummmmmm. :)  (Note:  we opted out of all newborn interventions except the Vitamin K shot, blood screen, and hearing test)


I'll just add that the one thing that I found surprising was how painful recovery was.  I'd expected a painful labor, but no one had told me how bad the renewed contractions would hurt every time I nursed Eowyn.  Nor did I anticipate a very bruised pelvis, combined with overall exhausted-muscle pain, and swollen "everything else."  It made moving very difficult and sitting impossible.  Thankfully I'd brought my own pillow and we had plenty of others to work with. :)  Oh yes, and good thing my reward was so precious!! :)