Life in Crazy Land

This captures my day so well

In case you hadn't heard, our lives are crazy full right now over Chez Szrama.  In addition to our own precious kiddos growing and getting into all sorts of fun, we are hosting two extras kiddos (from within my extended family) while their mama gets some stuff sorted out.  V just turned 6 and is in kindergarten, while A is 3 and a half.  I also still nanny for L, who just turned 2, 3-ish days a week.  So, what's life like with 5 kiddos underfoot?

Well, it's busy.

But I'm living my dream. :)  Since the time I was very small, I dreamed of running a house full of children, especially children who needed extra love.  As a teenager I wrote imaginary Christmas newsletters updating my future friends on all my imaginary children year to year. (Ryan still hasn't read these.  Babe, you knew I wasn't normal when you married me, sorry.)  Working with children is something the Lord keeps leading me to; I've been told I'm good at it, and it brings me great joy.  So I'm over the moon.  Having kids simultaneously napping all over our house also kind of makes me feel like I have my favorite super power of sleep-induction.  Maybe I should see a psychologist.

In all seriousness, one of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 68:6-

"He sets the lonely within families; He leads out the prisoners with singing, but the rebellious shall live in a sun-scorched land."  

I love being a part of fulfilling that verse, whether it was by bringing home college friends for Sunday dinner, sharing the Gospel with hurting people, welcoming old friends to our family table no matter what our food budget was, or now by tucking in two more at bedtime.

Also, we knew this was something God wanted from us.  When we became aware of the girls' situation, both Ryan and I immediately wanted to say "yes."  When Ryan and I agree on anything, that's kind of a divine sign. :)  (Especially if it involves me saying "yes" to anything... Ryan's usually my "let someone ELSE say yes-- you can't do it all!" coach.)  And as countless before me have experienced, when He calls, He enables.

Even youths grow tired and weary; young men stumble and fall.  But those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength; they will rise up on wings, like eagles.  They will run & not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40

Our day to day routine starts like this:
6:45 ish- roll out of bed & into my bathrobe, get downstairs to start making V's lunch and commence breakfast.
7- rouse V and get her to start dressing herself through any manner of threat and coersion  (Of course on Saturdays this is reversed and she wakes up raring to go.  God's sense of humor is kind of sick sometimes.) As she eats, I do her hair, cook breaskfast for everyone else, make my coffee, pack her lunch, write her a little note, and review our memory verse.
7:40- Ryan takes V to school, which is mercifully 5 minutes away from us on foot.
8- the other prisoners (ie Eowyn, William & A) are allowed out of their beds and begin munching.  Usually during breakfast L gets dropped off.  (If you're wondering at what point I take my shower and get dressed... ummm, yeah... I haven't really figured out how that fits in, either.)

Since Classical Conversations is over for the school year, we are settling into a homeschool routine that we like.  I aim to do "circle time" with everyone 3 days a week, followed by a math lesson (A kind of tags along and the boys make general mischief).  I get the girls at the table to work on handwriting (E) and number/letter/color/shape recognition (A).  Wednesdays we head to dance for E, during which I get to Zumba (the other kids try it too), then library story time, then lunch at Nina (my mom)'s.  E & I do one lesson in Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons about 3-4 days a week.  E is enjoying experiments with TOPS Get a Grip math supplement... during lunch we work on Bible verses from My ABC Bible Verses.  There is a lot of playing.  E is LOVING having sisters!  The little boys absolutely adore each other and come up with games of their own invention (such as the "ow" game, where they pretend to knock their heads against a hard surface, intoning "owwww" and laughing uproariously).  Another favorite is "Jump," in which case one or both of them hauls any object-- stool, book, beanbag, anything else Mom hasn't yet confiscated-- to the middle of the floor, and they jump off of it.  Repeatedly.  We head to parks pretty often, too.

Everyone naps between 1 & 2 (well, E naps every other day or so-- the off days she picks a quiet activity and plays ALONE as long as others are sleeping).  Usually that includes me.  Ryan brings V home around 3, and she goes straight to the kitchen table for a snack and homework.  I often make us some tea to share and she's starting to learn how to tell me about her day.  Her situation has made her quite behind academically, so we started at the beginning of TYCTR and have done one lesson each school day.  Then I coach her in handwriting, drill some sight words, and if E isn't napping, we do a number or word game together.

By this point usually some of the kids are awake and if it's remotely sunny they are clamoring to go outside.  This is where my life is much easier in some ways than it used to be. THEY ALL PLAY TOGETHER!!  Outside they troupe, usually first to ride bikes/push each other in the stroller/ pull each other in the wagon, and then they transition to some form of story-play.  Last week they've been poor people looking for a home, mother birds sitting on nests, Easter bunnies hiding eggs, mommies visiting each other, or cafe vendors selling smoothies & coffee.  Liam just wants to play basketball.  I try to interact with them a bit-- reading books aloud to everyone, playing, pushing or pulling on bikes, doing sidewalk chalk art, acting out a fairy tale (we really like the Three Billy Goats Gruff).  L's mama comes around this time and whisks him away; often we chat for a while (or a long while =D).

I make dinner... I've learned to get the kids started cleaning up earlier so it's done by dinner time.  They clamor to help me set the table and I let them.  We try to eat by 6:30 but we often are late-- either I haven't gotten my act together or Ryan works late.  Dinner is chaos... between our anorexic, highchair-hating-toddler (that would be Liam), an incredibly slow eater, kids still needing various degrees of help, trying to hear about everyone's day and a sudden advent of eye-ball-popping-out and poop-related stories... dinner is not for the faint of heart.  And just about every night amidst all the craziness and me giving someone the evil eye my heart just melts and I tell Ryan "oh please, when can we have some more?"

Dinner is swiftly followed by bed time.  That is one thing that DOES take longer the more kids you have!! Right now we are preparing for Easter with our Resurrection Eggs, which I love doing with the kids.  I am amazed at how much Liam loves them!  He begs to open "eggies" throughout the day, squeals with delight as each is opened, and is a generally enthusiastic nuisance the whole time they are out.  Hopefully he's learning something.  The girls are certainly starting to grasp the narrative of Passion week, and I pray that the reality of the Atonement sinks in.

Once eggs are opened and closed, Ryan takes over.  He supervises teeth-brushing, PJs & final potty-ing, and then reads them a Bible story.  We are into the NT in The Jesus Story Book Bible.  He sings & prays with them.  Meanwhile, I take Liam & get him into his PJs and we have our own little bedtime routine.  He asks for "che-che" and "Bobo" and I tell him "no!  Che che is yuck!"  He laughs and says "no!  che che is NUMMM!!!" (his version of "yum), or he will tell me "Mama, che-che is yuck" and then laugh and correct himself.  Once he's all dressed and holding as many lovies as he can cram into his arms, I settle into our glider to rock and nurse him to sleep.  I love the chance to snuggle him and smell that sweet little-boy smell.  He is getting so big and I know these days are numbered.

Once he's drowsy or asleep, I plop him in bed (well.... sometimes I might read an extra article online or comment on FB...) and make the rounds of kissing the girls & tucking them all in. Usually they're all waiting up for me.  E usually has some minor medical emergency like a hangnail or toeache or scratch requiring a band-aid...

That's pretty much how it goes!

they played "Doggy" in their self-made "cage" for hours

Don't get me wrong; there are times when I basically just tell everyone to sit down and stop talking... when I tell them that the next person who tattles gets to live outside... when I realize I've been ignoring "Mom! Mom! Mom!" for about 10 minutes... when I realize it's been a week since I opened my Bible... when I just want to be by myself for a whole 5 minutes... when I call my sister and add a topic to our "Least Favorite Ways to Spend My Time" list... when I lose it and shout and sin against my children... when I realize I've made the wrong call and need to backtrack... But overall, this is a good life.  It's a busy season, but it's one I'm enjoying.

We are being blessed by so many others, too.  Our extended family helps with the kids in countless ways; pitching in to get them to and fro, keeping them overnight so Ryan & I can get some us-time, bringing us meals, helping with chores.  We also have been so well-served by our brothers & sisters in Christ -- for the first three weeks after we got the girls, my cooking consisted of re-heating meals others had made.  People have brought over bags of hand-me-downs, given us bikes & toys, welcomed us with all our craziness, and come over and helped us clean.  It's so cool to be at the center of God's plan for His people to serve women & children in need ("widows & orphans")... you get a lot of tangential blessings, to put it geometrically. =D

And let me close with a "plug" for the Daddy of this crazy family.  If our family "tone" is of welcome and friendship, it's because he leads in it.  He excels at entering into people's stories and loving them in them.  He's also been amazing at doing lots of dishes and making sure I don't go insane.  I married a keeper.  =D

Cleaning What Will Be Dirty Again Tomorrow

I just posted a simple status to Facebook that has sparked some very encouraging conversation... so here it is:

At 9:05 pm, contemplating the food still out, the dishes piled unwashed, the baby crying to be fed, the baby toys scattered, the laundry in the dryer/on the line/in the washer/needing folding (we have a lot of laundry right now)... I quipped: "and now to try and summon the energy to clean what will only get redirty tomorrow..."

This struck a chord, probably with all my fellow home-makers pondering similar tasks at this late hour, with similar energy levels... postponing the inevitable with "one last Facebook peek."  My friend (and former Sunday School teacher!!) Holli replied: "My mom used to say we spend our lives rearranging generations of recycled dirt. She was sure she was sweeping out the same dirt Martha Washington had swept."  Another laughed: "Welcome to the life of a mother :)"  Another, "I've heard it said that cleaning house when there are toddlers around is like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreos." Yet another posted a quote from Brooke Foss Wescott (1875): "Great thoughts go best with common duties. Whatever, therefore, may be your office, regard it as a fragment of an immeasurable ministry of love", and commented "At least in doing the rote thing over and over, since you do it automatically, you can think greater thoughts than how to do it. I still like hot dishwater and sweeping the floor last thing at night. It's a lot easier without the toddlers, but I miss having those rascals too."

I once heard housekeeping/motherhood described as a "sisyphean task" (Sisyphus being the Greek dude condemned to push the same rock up a hill every day only to have it roll down during the night, until the end of time)... so true.

Isn't pretty much any job like this at some level?  We do the same things over and over, because no matter what we do, it's never enough, or the last word, or the final answer... whether we are counselors, farmers, fishermen, social workers, policemen, teachers, engineers, or bankers.  As Sara Groves puts it:

"Everyone, everywhere, somewhere, somehow, is setting up the pins for knocking 'em down!  

you can find joy in the fertile ground, setting up the pins and knocking em down, [or] 

you can try to fight it till you're anger-drowned, setting up the pins." --"Setting Up the Pins"

My friend Mary mentioned her husband Matt's sermon series through Ecclesiastes. Ecclesiastes is one of my all-time favorite books. Such a great antidote to our overly pie-in-the-sky-leave-the-temporal-behind-and-dwell-only-on-the-spiritual-Reformed tendencies.  I guess I'd call it Redeemed Hopeful Cynicism.  (Yes, I know that's an oxymoron.)  It's hard to think God only cares about your "quiet time" with verses like "Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do. Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head. Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life..."  He cares about everything because it's ALL prayer-- or at least, proof that we aren't praying to the Right God!  I think I will be listening to Matt's sermons as I clean.  :)

I'm just glad that no matter how "unproductive" it seems (because I'm doing it all tomorrow again), I KNOW that it actually doing at least three things:  It is producing greater Christ-likeness in me,  It is fighting the Curse and bringing a little bit more chaos into Beauty (for a few minutes, anyway). And it serves people who will one day (I pray!) be so glorious that I would be tempted to worship them if I met them in my current state (as CS Lewis put it-- there are no ordinary people).  The Sisyphean task of motherhood would surely crush me, were it not for the even greater weight of glory pulling me onward.


But still... it is so tiring. I think that's why I like to do crafts-- at least at the end of my labor there I can hold up a cute dress or quilt or fairy slippers and say "TA DA!"

"my grandmother had a working song
hummed it low all day long
sing for the beauty that's to be found
in setting up the pins for knocking em down"

Hopefully I can remember to sing for the beauty of comforting a congested little soul wanting his mama in about 3 hours... :)
 So Blessed,
-- Christina

Joy in Our Hearts-- Lots of It

I listened to music while laboring with both my babies. With Eowyn, the song I most remember (the one playing as she was born, actually) is Sandra McCracken's "Close of the Day"-- fittingly a song about all the simple blessings of life -- "close of the day/ fireworks and rain, feels like a holiday/ unburdens my frame"-- as well as the deep blessings of the Gospel-- " the marks of my name/ torn into Your Hands" --with the refrain "and this is not what I deserve." Really perfect to remember as I contemplated the joy of bringing forth a child contrasted with the Hell I'd have earned myself with all my sin, as well as the far greater pain He went through for me!

Anyway... the song that will always remind me of Liam's birth is Sara Groves' "Joy is in Our Hearts." It's got a great tempo, great contemplative, calm, intense vibe that is perfect for the work of labor. And the words... wow, the words are great for the discomfort, pain and trial of waiting that is the last stage of pregnancy and all of labor. It's also been perfect for me as a new mom full of fears: once you've been given such a precious gift, it's easy to fall prey to the temptation that it will be taken from you. This song helps me remember that even if I lost my little son or worse, I would have Christ, and Him for all eternity!- and that would be reason enough to sing for joy. This song was written, I think, with the persecuted church in mind.

 I pray this little montage encourages you! I get teary just watching it. :) Pregnancy and labor are good for my spiritual condition. Which means we'll probably be having more kids.

"Joy Is in Our Hearts"

"We were pressed on every side,
Full of fear and troubled thoughts;
For good reason we carried heavy hearts

"It is good to come together
In our friendship to remember
All the reasons hope is in our hearts:

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Christ our joy and strength!

"Now with patience in our suffering,

Perseverance in our prayers,

With good reason this hope is in our hearts:
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Christ our joy and strength!

"Oh, we saw the face of angels--

Many good things well-secured

For good reason this joy is in our hearts:

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Christ our joy and strength!

For good reason joy is in our hearts."

The Shadows Prove the Sunlight

Yesterday I packed a snack and water cup for my two-year-old daughter, dressed her in a pink sundress and pigtails, and dropped her off at the church nursery.  I sat next to my husband and held his hand as we sang hymns, shared a electronic Bible with him, and poked him when he made funny comments during the sermon.  It was a very normal, happy day for our little family.

Across the continent, my friends were crying.  Their baby girl had just died in their arms.  After 9 months of expectation, of waiting, of doing everything just right, after a labor and delivery that seemed absolutely perfect, they spent 24 hours wondering why their baby girl wouldn't breathe on her own... and then held her as she was welcomed home to her Father in Heaven.

A few states north of me, another friend was also grieving.  A year ago she was excitedly telling me about her and her newly-wed husband's plans to move West and start their dream life.  Then, all of a sudden, I saw on Facebook that he had cancer.  Just like that, their plans all changed.  We all prayed for healing and for persevering grace.  Yesterday, the Lord answered those prayers by bringing her husband into a perfect body that will never suffer again, and His grace has shone through her testimony (and his) throughout this entire trial.

It hit me that they both just lost the things I most treasure on this earth.  I mean, what would it be like to make that post to Facebook: "my husband is with Jesus now."  Or "Thank you for all your prayers; we'll need them even more as we head home from the hospital with empty arms"?  I can imagine all too well.  It would tear my heart to shreds.

And at the same time, the Lord is bringing other thoughts to mind.  Their shadow has opened my eyes to the light I am enjoying.  Shadows are supposed to do that-- to draw our eyes in search of the Light casting them.

And yet I complain to my Father in Heaven that my husband didn't help with the dishes again, that I'm so tired of being woken up to take a toddler "potty" again, that my marriage isn't the easy companionship it is "supposed" to be every day, that my daughter has those days where she tests every single limit in our home (including my sanity).  I complain, and I whine "this isn't what I asked for!  I've obeyed You so well-- can't I get the perfect happy life I "deserve?"" (hah!)

This has been such a reminder of just how happy my life is;  of just how much the Lord has given me in plain, undeserved kindness.  If and when He calls me to go through the trials of loss (someday, I will lose everything I love to death), I know He will give me His Joy and Peace even then.  But in the mean time, really, why do I complain?

Not only do I have the eternal blessings of Holy Spirit to comfort, guide & convict, of a Savior's love so deep it went to Calvary for me and constantly pleads my case in front of God, of a Father who looks at me with pure affection and pride because He only sees His perfect Son when He looks at me-- as if that wasn't enough, I also have a beautiful, safe home in a peaceful country, with a hard-working husband who makes me laugh, and a baby girl whose preciousness only grows every day.  That's just the important stuff-- there are so many other blessings that are gifts I forget about.  As someone once said, "Anything short of Hell is Grace."  And anything on top of that?  I guess it's just extravagance.

May I always treat my Father as an extravagant Giver instead of a stingy kill-joy.  No matter what hardships He ordains for me, I know they are temporary, and are intended to make me happier-- infinitely happy!-- later on.

“For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

  

Soul, then know thy full salvation-
Rise o’er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
What a Father’s smiles are thine,
  What a Savior died to win thee--
Child of heaven, canst thou repine? 
(-"Jesus, I my Cross Have Taken")

  

Seeking to walk as one who knows that Beauty and feels that Smile everyday,

~Christina

Couponing & The Big Picture

I love getting a good deal.  It's a rush that my husband just doesn't adequately appreciate.  Thankfully, my girl friends & sisters do, so I always have someone to pat my back and congratulate me on a deal well-snagged.  I set limits & budgets on just about everything, making shopping (when I'm not pregnant, that is) a sort of treasure-hunt or obstacle course that I thoroughly enjoy.  Meal-plans, clearance, sales, off-season purchasing, second-hand stores, repurposing/reusing, coupons, DIY, gardening, buying in bulk, directly from producers or through whole-salers all are my weapons of choice.

While I do use the occasional coupon (especially when the cashier hands them to me with my receipt), I've generally found them to be fairly unhelpful-- either for brands I can't or don't buy, or for products I don't need. The times I have tried to be more aggressive about couponing, I've found that it wasn't worth the time it took for me to try and track the coupons down & print them out, much less hit multiple stores.  Something about some tactics I read about bothered me, too, though I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

The other day one of my favorite blogs (Keeper of the Home) featured this blogpost, entitled "Can Coupons Be Used Responsibly?" and I found myself saying "Yes! That's it! YES!! That's what I've been trying to think but couldn't figure out!"  I LOVE this post. It states simply & persuasively many of the questions & thoughts I’ve had swirling in my head.  I think it hits the nail on the head about our American obsession with “cheap” over quality, especially in the food area.  I encourage you to check it out for yourselves!  The author welcomes comments & is really quick about responding to them.  It does NOT condemn couponing -- it just puts it in perspective and tries to pull back & look at the big picture.

A sample (emphasis original): 

Coupons in and of themselves are not bad. In fact, they can be valuable tools. For example, combining coupons with store sales can maximize savings for the consumer and profit for both the store and manufacturer of the product, as the sharing of the consumer discount minimizes the loss to both store and manufacturer.

This is a realistic part of a free market and it used to work. Lately, though, coupons have been taken out of their proper context and used unfairly. Take, for instance, the idea of stockpiling a product that can be obtained free or next to no cost when coupons are combined with store sales. [...]

The extreme bargain-hunting mindset, which has the potential to take on a sense of entitlement, has essentially dissolved the idea of brand loyalty as consumers begin to make purchases based on the current low price instead.

Unfortunately, as brand loyalty dissipates, commitment to consumers in the form of quality and service has become a thing of the past. Many companies are learning that to stay competitive, offering the lowest price is all that matters to many shoppers today, where in the past, quality was an equally important consideration. In the race to provide the most competitive price today, the cheapest possible materials are often used.

How often do we sit back and think about the labor & ingredients that went into what we bought, and ask ourselves if it was all ethically done?  Is a made-in-India product cheaper because it used child labor?  There's all sorts of thorny issues to be considered:  slave labor, child labor, techniques (many are toxic to the land or harmful to its inhabitants), worker wages, quality of product (cheap ingredients aren't usually good for the body), number of middle men... all of those go into the final sticker price on any item we purchase.  While this tool isn't perfect (it doesn't take into account a lot of variables), it's eye-opening:  The Slavery Footprint test.  Something to think about and pray about for sure.  This website lists the 13 products most likely to be made by forced or child labor.  These are items you may want to consider buying exclusively from fair-trade or local sources.  One last resource to check out is The Story of Stuff, a short animated film that walks through where our stuff comes from & where it ends up.  Watch it!!  Think about it.  This is stuff I'm still trying to figure out.

In our family I’ve found the main way around the cheap-is-best trap without spending extravagantly is to emphasize quality over quantity. Do I really NEED 10 bath & shower products? Not really. I can either make them myself or buy a concentrate that I dilute (less packaging & water cost).  So I spend the same amount as if I’d used double/triple coupons, but I’ve skipped the waste, the harmful chemicals, and I haven’t short-changed anyone on cost. Baking powder, vinegar & essential oils are always pretty inexpensive!

Similarly with clothes: I don’t NEED 20 outfits for my 2 year old. We wash laundry 1-2 a week, so at most she needs 7 outfits + a church outfit.  I either make them myself (usually using recycled material like daddy’s old shirts) buy them consignment (my $3/item limit is final), thankfully accept hand-me-downs, or enjoy Grandma’s gifts.  We give away what we receive extras of.  I also try to only buy brands that we know will last through many children/washings, and/or that are made fairly.  Even with only one child so far, I can tell a difference between the way The Children's Place and Garanimals (the Wal-Mart brand) wear.  By contrast, the outfits my great-grandmother hand-made for my grandma are still going strong!!

The same thinking is applied to our books, toys and food– get the minimum needed, get quality, and take care of it.  I know that our food expense/person is fairly comparable to (if not lower than) most families' despite our need to buy gluten-free, soy-free, mostly organic, seasonal items.  (HAH pregnancy has thrown a wrench in this, though, and we've eaten a LOT more convenience foods the past 4 months than usual!)  There is also the question of "does cheap equal more expenses later?"-- like in health-care expenses or replacement costs. Our daughter isn't allowed to abuse her toys, and she watches them get confiscated if she doesn't take care of them.  (We try to make sure her toys are age-appropriate so that this is a reasonable expectation.) The side benefit is FAR less clean up and clutter! I also feel like having less makes us less “owned” by our possessions. We pay a fair price for what we have (“the worker is worthy of his wages”), we enjoy it, and we use it thoroughly. No extreme couponing needed. :)

What about you? How do you balance the reality of a limited budget with the needs of your family and the burden of living ethically in a global economy?  Have you found a way to make couponing work for you?  Any brands you highly recommend?  If so, why?

Aspiring to Love the Same Lord

...as those who've gone before us.



Thanks to my sis Nicole for passing this one on.

How To Survive-Even Thrive- In a Growing (or Large) Church

Bear with me as I walk down my church-history lane... For all but 3 years of my life until I was 20, I attended the same church, where I was baptized, became a member, worked as an intern twice, and finally celebrated my wedding.  The church has always numbered about 350 people-- for the first half of my time there it was the same 350 folks; friends I'd grown up with, older kids I respected, younger kids I mentored; lots of people to look out for me.  Then people started leaving (both due to seasons of life and Southern Bible-Belt-itis), and we always had new people joining, so while the number of members stayed fairly constant, the faces changed.

Those three years that I was in France, my family attended a small (maybe 12 adults on a Sunday?) French-speaking Baptist church in a small town near ours.  The only other child my age became my best friend, and her mom, Annie, was our Sunday School teacher.  When my sisters & I showed up, the children's class quadrupled in size... though we did have some older kids and then another family with younger children joined fairly soon thereafter.  It was wonderful in some ways-- very close fellowship, the entire church over to one family's house (often ours), and no question of where we fit in.  We often joined up with a larger Baptist church in the nearby city to do Christmas or Easter events or to head to summer camp.

For the past 5 years, I've been at Immanuel in Louisville.  When I joined it was a bit smaller than the church I'd grown up attending, but the fellowship and the united vision of reaching the neighborhood for Jesus was incredibly refreshing to my rumpled spirit (I'd just gone through the most painful trials of my life).  There were (are) plenty of folks of my own age/station, the preaching is good, the music rocks, and there's never a shortage of ways to pitch in.  However, as the church has grown and people have moved on (mostly to do ministry elsewhere --this IS a college/seminary city), I've had stretches of intense loneliness among the crowd.  Our closest friends moved away or got too busy for us, the vision for reaching the neighborhood morphed into reaching the city, and the closeness of the small fellowship we'd joined was diluted by 2 services and many new members.  I distinctly remember sitting in my chair after one service, and looking around thinking "And I don't care about you, I don't care about you, and nope, don't care about you, either."  Pretty depressing.

So... how have I gone about making a big church seem less big?

Well, a big part of it is prayer.  Prayer for a willing, caring spirit.  When I looked around not caring, I knew it wasn't with eyes of faith-- it was with human eyes that didn't want to know the pain of separation or failure again.  When Jesus looked around, He saw needs and moved to meet them.  He didn't look for everyone to meet His needs.  So I had to pray that the Lord would give me eyes to See, and a heart to love, drawing on His Endless Love.  I had to repent of not caring, and asking Him to make me start caring.

Another huge piece has been THE overarching lesson of this stage of my life:  contentment.  A holy 'so what?' attitude.  "Keep your lives free from love of money, and be content with what you have." (how?) "For He has said:  I will never leave you, nor forsake you."  Contentment -that is, a deep inner joy & peace- doesn't come from having all your wants met, from your marriage bringing you endless romance, from your children sleeping through the night, from having all your best friends living nearby, from having the amount of children that you want, when you want them... no, it comes from being with Him.  That is to say, anywhere. The essence of Heaven will be His presence without any barriers, right?  And by His spirit, we have a taste of that now, through Immanuel, God with us.  His Spirit lives in us, teaching us, reminding us.  So long as He is with us (and, as above verse states... that's all the time for the believer), we have every reason to be happy.  "Think what Spirit dwells within thee, what a Father's smile is thine, what a Savior died to win thee!!-- Child of heaven, cans't thou repine?"  i.e.  "With God being as good as you have Him, do you have any room for pouting??" 

On the practical front, I've found two things helpful.  One, don't feel guilty making a few close friends (and/or maintaining close friendships that aren't local anymore).  As a wise SS teacher of mine once put it, "you can't be best friends with everybody."  So don't feel bad calling the same friend over and over, because you "click" so well.  Be intentional about those close friendships, though-- don't let them just be about common interests or kids of the same age-- bring up the Gospel.  Bring up Jesus and how you are dealing with Him.

Balanced with that, I've found it helpful to be as wide-spread in my fellowship as possible.  Our church really emphasizes small groups, and while that has its merits, it isn't the whole church.  If there's a baby shower or wedding shower and I know the person, I try to go.  If it's a real friend of mine, I'll try to send a gift & card if I can't make it. If there's any church function of any kind, I try to go.  No, I don't make it a law and feel guilty for not going, but if I can make it, I will.  If someone needs a meal, I sign up when I can.  If the nursery needs a sub, I do it.  If I find out a friend needs help, I volunteer.  Seriously-- I do NOT feel guilty not doing stuff when it would be too much, when Eowyn is sick or we are flying in the day before from London or we are just too tired.  But how hard is it, really, to head over to someone's house for 2 hours with a small gift in tow?  I get to talk to people, make new friends, occasionally play awesome games, and deepen acquaintances into friendships.  I usually leave encouraged.  (Ryan either watches Eowyn, or my next door neighbor comes over while she's asleep if it's in the evening, or if I get permission from the hosts, I bring her with me)  I've been amazed at how much this simple policy of staying involved has helped me.  You really start to care about the people you make cards or meals for, or those you work alongside (VBS, anyone!?).

My last help has been to seek and welcome laughter in all its forms.  If you're determined to hate something, you probably will... If you want to have fun, yep, you probably will do that, too.




How have you found or deepened fellowship in your own communities of faith?

Looking for the Little Loves

Happy Peek-a-Boos

L'Ile de la Cite viewed from the Pont des Arts

L'Ile de la Cite in the middle of the Seine

Door- one of Paris' thousands (millions?) of extraneous bits of beauty

Underside of the Pont de Bir-Hakeim (pedestrian/metro bridge)

A fountain of clean sparkling water backdropped by perfect blue sky

My biggest blessings about to cross the river

In Paris, there is more beauty the more you look. 

I'm convinced that life is the same way.  God is good-- lavishly, extravagantly so.  He spills out kindness from His very being; it just overflows everywhere.  Everything He does is poetry, art; nothing is wasted, nothing is random, nothing is left out.  He does everything on purpose-- and He does everything well.  Reading One Thousand Gifts has helped me to remember this and to seek opportunities for thanksgiving in the "mundane." 

Make WAR (on sin!)

On Mondays I often need an extra dose of motivation towards what I call "mundane righteousness."  By that I mean the gall to get up and live my ordinary little life like Christ actually rose from the dead, and like He actually cares about my thoughts and actions.  Here's what's helping me today:  a song and a sermon.

Those of you who have known me a while know that rap is not my natural first choice of music. :)  However, when you go to church with a Dove-and-Grammy-nominated-rapper, your horizons tend to be stretched, and even broadened! :)  Last summer FLAME (otherwise known as Marcus Gray) did a free concert in my/our church's neighborhood park, and Ryan & I packed up the baby and went, mostly to show support to our brother and to try and love on any neighbors who might show up. I was surprised (and thrilled!) to actually find myself worshipping, and being tremendously encouraged!  Marcus is a gifted evangelist & teacher, and he just drips Gospel no whatever he says!  Anyway, here is a song of his that is a great one to get in your head when you need to be reminded that the Enemy is real, and that his greatest ally is inside of you... in other words, EVERY DAY!  It's called "Make War," and it opens with a wonderful John Piper clip:

"I MAKE WAR!/Cause sin never sleeps/
It's got me in a trance/you can see it in my dreams/
I MAKE WAR!/Man I beat my flesh/
to the death/every breath/like I beat my chest/
I MAKE WAR/sun up/
I MAKE WAR/sun down/
I MAKE WAR/time in/
I MAKE WAR/time out/
I MAKE WAR/against lust/
against pride/against me/until I die/" -Flame

I particularly like this because of our Sunday sermon last week.  One of our pastors, Ryan Fullerton, preached from 1 Cor 3 on growing up in Christ instead of staying immature and needing bottle-feedings.  To do that, we need to be serious about "making war" on our fleshly desires!  I highly recommend the sermon; download or stream it here.   (The final title doesn't really capture the scope of the message, "Is There a Carnal Christian?," but you've got to call it something!)

Crucified for Joy

"I've tried more of me
and I come up dry
trading You for things-
things that go away.

My happiness

is found in less

of me and more,

more of You.

I have found the Answer is to know You

and be Loved by You alone.

You crucify me, and the world to me, 

and I will only boast in You."

 -Shane & Shane, "The Answer"

"Come, we that love the Lord,
And let our joys be known;
Join in a song with sweet accord,
And thus surround the throne.

We’re marching to Zion,
Beautiful, beautiful Zion;
We’re marching upward to Zion,
The beautiful city of God.

The sorrows of the mind
Be banished from the place;
Religion never was designed
To make our pleasures less."

-Isaac Watts & Robert Lowry, 1707 "Marching to Zion"

"He's [God] a hedonist at heart. All those fasts & vigils & stakes & crosses are only a facade. Or only like foam on the seashore. Out at sea, out in His sea, there is pleasure, and more pleasure. He makes no secret of it; at His right hand are "pleasures for evermore.""
-CS Lewis, The Screwtape Letters (Letter 22)

Five Things I've Learned about Being a Godly Wife

An engaged friend recently asked me the following:  "I would love to learn from you in how to exalt the Lord in my position as a wife. How do I encourage, bless, support, and affirm my future husband?"  Somewhat unconsciously, my response turned into a five-of-a-kind, and as I am very tired, I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and let it double as a blog post. 

As I wrote, I realized I was basically writing down all the areas in which I consistently struggle in my own marriage.  This isn't me writing a list of all that I've done right; it's a list of what God's Word says I must do.  It's me reminding myself to STOP doing wrong! :)  I need to hear this advice better than anyone I know.  Seriously.

"Hmmm... great question! And honestly, you will know how best to answer that-- remember that you are called to be a helper to your OWN husband, not any other man, so your submission and helping will be uniquely suited to him!  (1 Peter 3:1- "Wives, be subject to your own husbands...") One bit of advice I was given that's been helpful was to make it a point to ask him daily or weekly "what is one thing I can do to help you today?" or "what is one thing you'd like me to prioritize this week?" His answer could be as simple as praying for a family member or making a batch of cookies, or as difficult as getting up early to pack his lunch for work, or re-arranging dinner at a different time than usual.

As far as "my own" advice, here goes:

Let's be honest- we all look at our husbands this way sometimes!

1. Don't expect marriage to be all that you expect it to be. :) Your husband is a sinner, and at some point, you will definitely think "how did I marry such a total jerk?!" It's in THOSE MOMENTS that you have to remember "I am submitting to my husband out of trust in CHRIST, not him." We are to submit "as unto the Lord," being Sarah's daughters who "do not fear what is frightening," and calling our husbands "lord" even when they pimp us out to foreign kings to save their own skins (like Abraham did regularly). Why/how? Because we are serving and trusting our perfect Savior, NOT our imperfect husbands.  (1 Peter 3:6)  (Note: just as often, you will be shocked and discouraged by your own sin, saying "I never thought I would be this terrible of a wife!"  The Gospel of Christ's perfection in our place is for us then, too!)

2. Be quick to forgive. Oh so hard for me... but we entrust ourselves to Him who judges justly (like Christ did- 1 Peter 2:19-23), and we draw love from the Great Love with which He loved us, so that we can forgive as the Lord forgave us. (Eph. 4:32)

3. Bite your tongue... a lot. It's so easy for us women to criticize, to nag, to suggest, to TALK!! And done in the right way/right spirit, out of love for your husband and your Lord, that will be a huge asset... but most of the time, we just need to bite our tongues in the moment, take it to the Lord in prayer, and wait. "Each of you should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for the anger of man does not bring about the righteousness God requires." (James 1:19-20) When we speak it is supposed to be full of grace, respectful, honest, and aimed to build up (Eph. 4:29). Even when we are confronting our husbands about sin, we are called to do it for their good and Christ's glory. Someone told me that the glory of God is seen in the difference between how you'd act/speak naturally and how you'd act/speak because of God's grace in your life. All that to say, if you are crying and he wants to know why, you should tell him (another great tip I was given the day before my wedding)-- guys usually are pretty clueless about that sort of thing,-- but tell him in a way that doesn't vent your frustration on him. ** Let him hold you while you cry (even if you're mad at him); it will help you both!!**

4. Be committed to righteousness, period.  Even when your husband fails miserably in the area of spiritual leadership. This is hard because we naturally want to try and take over, yet super-naturally we absolutely do NOT want to do that, but there will probably be a time or seasons where your husband is unavailable or not functioning as a spiritual leader. In those times, keep striving after godliness; be fulfilled by times with CHRIST instead of just wishing your husband would "step up to the plate." Keep reading good books on God's character, His work, and godliness, not to mention the Bible!  Do not neglect the great duty of prayer!!  Kind of like Jesus told Simon Peter when he asked about John; "What's it to you if he ___-- YOU follow Me." (John 21:22)

5. Treat him like a hero-- respect him verbally as much as you can... the more specific, the better (guys like straight talk). "You are so good at giving honest compliments." "Your heart for the church is so encouraging!" "Thank you for taking out the trash without me even noticing-- you bless me so much." Love notes, Scripture and encouragements in dry-erase marker on the bathroom mirror are fun!  When all you can think of is the bad times, look at old pictures or scrapbooks to be reminded of all the good times.  That will help you remember that you do love this man, this very dear man, and that you actually are glad to be his wife. :)

Love,
-- Christina
PS- favorite marriage books: A Love that Lasts; when marriage meets grace, by Gary & Betsy Riccuci, When Sinners Say I Do, by Dave Harvey, and A Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (read this after being married a year or two). I also found Reforming Marriage by Doug Wilson, and The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman helpful, even if you don't agree with every single thing in there.  (I just realized that 'Gary is apparently a good name for marriage-book authors...)"

Please, my married friends (especially those of you who are wiser and/or more experienced than I am!), chime in with your own advice, tips, and bits of Truth!  Husbands, this includes you!

Did Video Kill the Radio Star? Trying to Figure Out my Lately-Lacking-Luster Blogging

Or, in my case... did facebooking kill the blogger?  Looking at my older blogposts, I'm surprised at how much every-day life found its way into my blog.  I wrote about friends and church, places I'd seen and funny things I'd heard.  I quoted books and poetry, I talked a lot about music.  I was a lot more open about my feelings and my questions.

Granted, my life is busier in many ways now-- with a toddler to tend all day and a family to feed and enjoy in the evenings (and a body dying for sleep by about 9 pm), I don't have as much leisure time to just plain ol' write.  My journaling has suffered terribly-- whereas before I filled in around 4 journals a year (in tiny writing!), now it's more like 4 years per journal... I think a lot; stuff percolates, but I'm more likely to talk it out with Ryan while we walk, or spill to my sister or Val on the phone while I cook or clean than to spend half an hour putting it on paper.  It's harder to set aside the scant time I have to myself to muse and ponder when I could read a story or complete a project; both feel easier after a day of giving of myself non-stop. I'm also more guarded about my thoughts and feelings.  There is a husband to honor and three sets of families to consider, instead of just me and my lone college self, back when my blog was read by around 6 people on a good day. :)

But I think the biggest reason my blog has cheapened is that now I have facebook.  Whereas before I piled up the mundane, sifting and sorting it until a pattern of beauty emerged; a bit of Meaning I would rejoice to portray here, now... I just throw up a two-line snippet on FB and forget about it.  No layering, no piling up, just single tosses.

It's not that I'm lacking material to mine:  I've been attacking my pile of books with renewed vigor.  I've been doing more household projects than ever, have been learning more about relationships and their sweet tangle.  The Lord has brought old memories to mind as new sermons have been preached. Every day my daughter's capacity to communicate and think grows,  and with it my delight in her and my job as a mommy... and right along with them new challenges and questions and frustrations.  I would much rather pound and meld those into blog-posts than throw them out piecemeal... if I can.

Over and over, though I think of Sally Clarkson's words to us at the Relevant conference.  "Until you are committed to glorifying God by loving your husband and your children as well as you can- when no one ever sees,- you will have nothing to share with others.  You won't have anything worth blogging about."  I've been trying very hard to hold those words close to my heart.  I came home with an armload of bargain books from the Christian Book Nook yesterday, among them When God Writes your Love Story by Eric & Leslie Ludy, and underlined this section "Leslie, don't try to build Me into your life anymore...instead build your life around Me. [...] He was not the central focus of my daily life.  In reality I was only giving Him a few minutes of scattered attention here and there." (p. 61)  Is that my problem?

Well, faithful readers, I don't even know if I succeeded at what I set out to do... but at least I did set out to do... something?  I thank the Lord for this blog; for the people it has encouraged, for the help it's been to me in my own thinking.  More is surely to come.

Gardeners-in-Training

Today we planted a garden. Nothing much; two raised beds criss-crossed with twine, layered with peat moss, leaves, vermiculite, compost & manure... Ryan did all the heavy work- as I've been sick in bed for most of the past 3 days, he barely let me lift a shovel to spread the peatmoss. But I sketched out what each square foot is to hold, read up on how to build the beds and layer the soil, did some light mixing & spreading, and then carefully pressed seeds, tubers, seed potatoes and rhizomes into their freshly-made beds. (We're doing a combination of Lasagna Gardening and Square-foot Gardening this year-- both quite new to us!)

It was an enjoyable experience all around; an afternoon I'll probably always look back on as a precious photograph of our life at this stage. The weather was gentle and pleasant. Ryan and I worked together- sometimes talking, regularly conferring, helping each other, and often lapsing into companionable silence. Eowyn woke from her nap about half-way through the process, and the real fun began. I can still taste the sweetness of watching her watch me, and trying to do just what I did. No matter that Mommy had a spade and she had only hands-- she can take that brown stuff out of the sack and put it in the wooden box, too! Oh for the heart of a child, to be so content with the simple gifts our Father daily gives; the cool crumbliness of dirt; the thrill of alternately creating chaos and order with sticks and bucket; the music of seeds in paper packets; the confidence that a tiny voice pleading a tiny word- "Up!" will be answered by a Father; and, most precious to me today, the delight found in imitating those whose love we treasure and whom we deem "Great."

We laughed as she repeated the last word of each of Daddy's phone-conversation phrases "cool!" "okay." "ba-bye" We smiled as she wanted a turn to hold the tools we used. Our hearts warmed as they usually do when she wanted to be near us, to be with us, to be as near our hearts as possible (in our arms). It also made me catch my breath She's watching you-- all the time! Be careful what you say and do-- or even when you sigh or frown. Woah.  As I think about it now, though, the realization is pressing me a different way: My daughter loves to be near me. With me. More-- she wants to be like me. If watching her try to be like me is such a delight... how much does the Lord long for His children to be like Him?

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [...] Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Eph. 4:30-5:2, NIV)

This passage came to my mind, and as I read it I realized just how many nuances there are to it... The Spirit of our Father can be grieved by our conduct; when we don't imitate the elder Brother (Jesus) who loved us, gave Himself up for us, and bought our ultimate, never-ending, pure-joy forgiveness from God our Father.  We're supposed to imitate Him.  Why? How?  Because we're dearly loved children; it seems like that's the answer to both questions:  we should imitate as beloved sons & daughters do, and we should imitate because we are God's children, and so should have the family trait of dying-to-self-love.  Doing this is "fragrant" -pleasing, pleasant- to our Daddy, just as our elder Brother's sacrificial death was to God.


I guess I'm spiritually gardening in both directions, trying both to model and to imitate.   I'm trying to plant seeds in my daughter's life by providing an GOOD example to follow.  At the same time, I'm trying to cultivate imitation in my own heart-- imitation of my Father & my Brother.  Both are done only in the Power of the Helper, the Promised Holy Spirit, because both will be nothing short of miraculous.

Not by might, not by power, but by Thy Spirit!  (Zechariah 4:6)

(Note the dirt on her face: she was quite filthy, as every healthy child should be on a lovely day, I think!... =D)