Letters to Liam- 5 Months

I love your new little tucked-lip-smile!

My dear little man-

You've really started to be on the move this month.  It started with rolling over, then you added dragging yourself along, and now you positively army crawl, your arms smacking rhythmically and your toes grasping for purchase on our hardwood floors.  You push yourself to nearly a sitting position, sometimes forgetting to balance and tipping over.  When you smack yourself on the floor or a toy, you show us the Drama King within by screaming with more rage then pain.  However, kisses from Mama quickly make it all better!  You've got the arms of a swimmer and anything you grab (paper is a favorite, and diaper rash cream a new attempt today) goes straight into that adorable little mouth of yours.  Family dinner table with you involves lots of prevention and re-snatching.  You have found your feet and grin at me with extra glee when you grab both socks in your meaty little hands and p-u-l-l.  Such fun!  Your favorite spot is in my arms, though anyone's arms are better than no one's-- yesterday your grandpa GB carried you for much of the evening, remarking "you sure like to be held, don't you?"  Daddy complains that whenever he picks you up, you immediately crane as far over as possible, so as not to miss any view advantage.

Speaking of Daddy, he is definitely your favorite dude.  Mrs. Wendy gave you a cool camo outfit that says "Daddy's sidekick," and that is the truth!  A few nights ago you started crying when he left the room and lit up when he came back for you.  He loves coming into your field of vision because your face erupts in a smile and you begin your "happy flap," kicking and grinning.  You also grin lots for your sister.  All three of us love to elicit chuckles and belly laughs from you, either by playing "peek-a-boo!" or by tickling your little chin or your ribs.  You have the best laugh.

You've begun sleeping pretty consistently through the night from 9ish to 6ish with a dream-feed around midnight on most nights (some nights you skip this and make Mommy VERY happy).  I sing "Be Thou My Vision" to you and this settles you down really well.  You are nursing 90% of the time, with me only giving you a bottle with added probiotics every 3 days or so.  I love this.  You seem to, too.  Your digestion seems to be settling down (yay!) so the bottles are reserved for days when other people watch you... however, lately, you've begun to prefer to just wait until I get home --so far Daddy, Nina and Tia Olga are the only ones you've taken a bottle for!  After all I've gone through to get you to nurse, this is a-o-k with me!

I've let you taste a few things here and there-- kefir, yogurt, pumpkin, banana, egg yolk-- but nothing more than a taste.  For now you are thriving on mama's milk and I am happy to stick with that.  You are very long & lean, wearing 9-12 month clothes for the length.  Anything smaller and your poor little forearms and calves get so cold!  With your gentle hands and good coordination I think Poppy might have his little athlete after all.

You babble so sweetly, and when you get tired complain "daa-dee-daa-dee-de-de-de."  (I think this means Daddy should get up with you at night.)  You chew your fingers, suck a paci to sleep at times (like in church against my chest in your Ergo every Sunday), are fascinated with tags (the taggy ball from Grandma & Grandpa is a hit!) and love to gum Sophie & an iris-root from Switzerland.  You like something against your cheek when you drift off-- like one of your "bo-bos" (burro, puppy or doggy), your taggy blanket, mommy's shirt or your crib bumper.  It's so cute to watch you rub your little eyes or burrow your face into my chest. You have a "pick me up!" paddle you do when you've had enough floor time.  You also are learning "no toques" and have mastered "quieto" (be still).  When instructed not to touch something (like Nina's Chinese vase or the power strip), you stop, look at me, and begin tapping one foot thoughtfully.  Then you either go for it or turn away.  When I turn you around and get you interested in something else, you'll eventually start going back for it, and without fail you stop and look for me, as if to ask "so... can I go eat it now?"  

I love you so dearly, my little boy.  These arms are glad to hold you and I don't think any child could be more kissed.  I pray over you every night, that the Lord would multiply all the love going into you and use you to carry His love to the nations.  You have a heavy responsibility, my son-- to whom much is given, much shall be required, and you are daily given so much.

Praying you learn to run to Jesus very very soon,
--your Mommy

Our Saga Through the Land of Sucknswallow (A Quest to Diagnose & Overcome Posterior Tongue/Lip Ties)

Liam at 4 months, Paris, France

I have one child napping and one, well, protesting napping, but at least in his bed, so I hope to get this story up.  I've been postponing it until I had some sort of happy ending... or at least something new.  I have even stopped posting much on Facebook, because who wants to be the one with the perennially depressing statuses?  To those of you who asked how Liam was doing, thank you.  It means so much that you didn't forget about us and our plight, that you cared, that our struggle wasn't "out of sight, out of mind" for you!  And for all of you who wondered and never got around to asking, here you go.  The short answer is that by God's grace and through many efforts, Liam is eating almost normally!  Today I actually had to stop nursing him to correct his sister, and his squeals of protest nearly brought tears of joy to my eyes-- my baby actually wanted to keep eating??  Last Sunday my son's screams actually made it into the sermon he was so loud-- the culprit?  A bottle.  Most moms would have blushed (and I did, a little), but I was on cloud 9 when instead, my son's wails stopped and he fell fast asleep, hungrily nursing.  This is the same kid who it took HOURS to convince to nurse mere weeks ago.  The times, they are a-changing!  (Liam later took that same bottle without any fuss that same day-- I think the little Prince didn't find it warm enough at church.  Poor nursery workers.)

So... where've we been?  Already three friends have had some of their own struggles illuminated and eased after hearing Liam's story, and I know I spent hours searching the web for stories similar to ours in the hopes of getting hints as to Liam's diagnosis, so I type this up in the hopes that it will spare someone else pain down the road.  (I've already posted a brief version with some helpful background images/video here.)

I guess our journey began 10 minutes after Liam was born.  (Well, it could possibly have begun three years earlier, with his sister's birth, but that story isn't done yet.)  Deliciously happy as only a new mom can be, I still noticed that his "latch" was very shallow-- his upper lip was tucked in instead of flanged out like it should have been, and he didn't want to open his mouth much at all.  I pushed down on his chin to help him open wider, and figured he'd learn as he grew.  We didn't have any feeding problems those first few days, when my milk was still thick "liquid gold" colostrum-- his sucking was strong enough to draw it out just fine.  However, I noticed that his latch was always shallow, and he never did seem to untuck his own lip or open up wide enough on his own.

Over-Active Letdown, Foremilk & Acid Reflux Come to Play
Then, about 4 days post-partum, my milk came in.  As with Eowyn, it came in in pints, quarts and gallons.  I felt like I was swimming in it, and poor Liam was trying to figure out how to nurse from a fire hydrant.  (My let down is extremely intense, let's just say.  If I could patent it I could probably sell it to Super-Soaker...) I pumped off as much as I dared, but didn't want to pump too much and risk making the problem worse (since milk supply depends on demand in the end).  My heart sank as I noticed Liam finding nursing more and more difficult, just as Eowyn had.  Signs of acid reflux crept in-- not wanting to be laid on his back, projectile spitting up-- as well as signs that he was taking in too much "foremilk"-- green poop, fussiness, and very rapid weight gain.  Again, way too similar to Eowyn.  I immediately began probiotic drops and worked to reduce my milk supply with block nursing (nursing only on one side for several hours at a time) and with pumping off a few ounces prior to feeding Liam.  I tried cabbage leaves and other herbs to try and reduce my milk supply.  Milk oversupply often leads to acid reflux in babies, so I was zealous to try and help him.

At 12 days old (7/6/12) we took Liam up to NC to be circumcised by a pediatrician/Jewish mohel.  That is a whole 'nother story, but this pediatrician -Dr. Laura Sinai- was on. the. ball.  Not only did she explain to us why Liam was so ruddy (bc we'd delayed cord-clamping, which she applauded), she also asked us if we knew he had a tongue tie.  A light-bulb went off in my head, and my answer was "No, but that explains a lot!" I remember when she told me to try nursing him to comfort him after the circumcision and me thinking "once again, nursing does not comfort my baby." So by this point nursing was already becoming difficult for both baby & mom.  I called the lactation consultants at Greenville Memorial Hospital, and based on what I was saying she recommended that I see my family doctor/pediatrician to get a referral to an Ear Nose & Throat (ENT) specialist to have the tie clipped.  Tongue ties are simple to diagnose and simpler to treat, was the impression I got. The next day we saw our family doctor and the Era of Questions began.  He didn't see a tongue-tie.  Liam demonstrated his ability to stick out his tongue beautifully, and the scales registered him as 10 lbs 14 oz, so he seemed to be eating just fine.  Ok... maybe Dr. Sinai was mistaken?  Maybe all the issues stem from my oversupply?  By this point I was beginning to have a fair amount of pain when Liam nursed, and I didn't know why.  Liam was also fussing at the breast, and clicking with every suck, which I knew wasn't normal.  His latch was still shallow and milk often dribbled out of his mouth when he ate.  I posted to FB on July 9th "he has NO problem gaining weight, but he gets really frustrated eating with my super-fast let down. He doesn't even suckle sometimes, just lets the milk run into his mouth, lol. Thanks for praying-- I hate to cause him more pain... but if he's getting frustrated while nursing instead of being comforted, that's a lot of "pain" for him, too."

"Your Baby's Fine, Honey"
Wanting another opinion, I called the hospital and got an appointment with the lactation consultants there.  I ended up waiting a good deal past my appointment time and while waiting my milk let down.  This meant that by the time Liam did nurse (with the consultant watching), it was a better feeding than most.  Weighing him before and after showed him taking in 1 tsp less than 4 oz in 6 minutes, leading the nurse to exclaim "that's what we call a vacuum cleaner!"  By the end of the visit he weighed 11 lbs 1 1/2 oz, and both LCs assured me that they didn't see a tie, that I should cancel my ENT appointment, and that all problems with Liam's seal, etc, were just him trying to protect himself from my forceful letdown & oversupply.  I was told that my pain should resolve by 6 weeks or so, and that I should keep expressing before nursing him so the letdown wasn't so forceful to him.  Nursing was the best way to stretch his frenulum if it was a bit tight.

While every mom wants to hear that her baby is perfect, something didn't sit right with me.  Another month of pain?  And if the problem was my milk oversupply/OALD, why had his latch been so shallow at birth?  Why was he clicking with every swallow, even when the flow was slow at the end of a feeding?  To make matters worse, Liam was now choking/aspirating milk, and he was still regularly projectile vomiting impressive amounts of milk.  My pain was worsening, not improving.  Many friends--I particularly remember my sister-in-law-- told me to go with my maternal instinct, to not let anyone convince me I was crazy, and to not rest until I got answers.  So I called every "lead" I could find-- a friend's mom who was an LC, a pediatric dentist, the lactation consultants at another hospital, a friend who is a speech-language pathologist, friends whose children also had ties.  The overwhelming impression I got was that IF this was a tongue-tie, clipping (or cauterizing or lasering) it would be the best solution for all involved.  But we still didn't know if that was what it was.

"Hey, There MIGHT be Something Wrong, but No One Around Here's Ever Heard of It"
Dr. Jen Fogle of Ashby Park Pediatric Dentistry gave us our next clue (7/16/12):  "I think this might be a posterior tongue tie, but I've only ever operated on one before, so I'll want a second opinion before I do anything." A posterior tongue tie?  What is THAT?  More research, and I started reading a lot of articles by a pediatric dentist in Albany, NY, named Dr. Larry Kotlow.  In the meantime, I wrote "sigh. still needing wisdom on William's possible to tongue tie. Pediatric dentist today thinks it's a posterior tie (tricky to diagnose), but would want a consult w a specialized lactation consultant then another apt to actually do the procedure. I am not sure whether to keep pursuing the issue or not. I womder if something totally different is going on and I'm just wasting our time and money." Despite this, I made an appointment with an ENT recommended by local LCs as very pro-breastfeeding and very careful.  That visit was a total disappointment.  Though the doctor was kind, he had never heard of a "posterior tongue tie" and said Liam looked anatomically normal.  He counseled me to take Sudafed to partially dry up my milk.  For one thing, Sudafed & I do NOT get along.  For another, this still didn't explain why Liam's latch had been poor since Day 1.  Yet another LC visit, this time at Spartanburg Regional Hospital, at least confirmed that Liam was not "normal."  Though she couldn't tell me what was wrong, she did tell me that he was basically not sucking at all, and that his tongue wasn't moving properly as he suckled.  She measured his intake of liquid and it was around one ounce, which was remarkable, she said, because he hadn't sucked at all-- he was essentially just drinking whatever flowed into his mouth, thanks to my strong let-down... but that same let-down was what drowned him on most every feeding.

For the next few weeks I went around and around in my mind, out loud to Ryan, and even on paper, making lists & charts, praying and wishing someone could at least tell me what was wrong.  Was it pyloric stenosis?  Was yeast/Candida a factor?  What about the fact that Liam sucked his own tongue?  Why did he cringe after yawning widely (was it from reflux?)? Why couldn't he nurse at all lying down?  Did he tend to stick his tongue out to the left?  Why did the skin above his upper lip turn white when he nursed hard?  At what point do we just accept our child's limitations and love him as is?  How far do I keep pursuing answers? 

Following Crumbs, Grasping at Straws
By now it was August and Liam was resisting eating.  His weight gain had plateaued, and while to all outside eyes he was still large for his age, my mother's heart ached to know he was not eating as much as he should, nor was he happy about what he did eat.  I remember we were at the beach and I got a phone call from an old friend, an SLT.  She had never heard of posterior tongue-tie, either, but had researched it and asked her colleagues.  She asked if she could come observe Liam.  YES!!!

Her visit was another "crumb" to follow and gave me support and hope that not only was something wrong, but it could be made right.  It was helpful to hear from her a working theory that might explain most or all of his symptoms. The following is from her notes (for the sake of any mom wondering if your child might have something similar going on):

Slight facial asymmetry w/ L side appearing slightly weaker than right. Able to achieve lip closure at rest.  Tongue w/ slight deviation to L @ rest.
Suck:  Weak latch to finger w/ decreased ability to form tongue groove around finger. (ie tip of tongue more flattened vs. forming a groove or bowl). Tip of tongue did not extend beyond gums when sucking.
Nursing: Mom attempted to flatten nipple to make it easier for him to latch. Audible clicking noted as he attempted to latch. Decreased tongue groove again noted w/ inability to extend tongue beyond gums.  Rapid swallows w/ continued clicking/ inability to fully latch noted when mom’s milk let down.  Mom reports pt. coughs chokes fairly frequently, especially towards the end of the feeding.
Findings: Liam appears to demonstrate reduced range of motion (ROM) in his tongue, both anterior and posterior (forward and back) as well as decreased ability to form a groove to assist in sucking. (This could also be due to decreased ability to move his tongue forward.) It is also likely that he may have a poor posterior tongue to palate seal when initiating a swallow (due to decreased ROM), which can decrease his ability to protect his airway when swallowing. As he becomes more fatigued from attempting to suck, he is more likely to have increased difficulty handling the milk as he attempts to swallow it, which can lead to coughing/ choking.

I posted the question to Facebook friends, desperate for anyone with another hint for me:  "does anyone know of any reason for a poor latch besides tongue tie (of any stripe), overactive letdown, and cleft lip/palate? We've pretty effectively ruled out the last 2 and are stumped about the first. I know for a fact that Liam does not latch properly-- hasn't since the first nursing session at 15 minutes old. I also know he chokes at the ends of most feedings and also tends to aspirate when he spits up. But WHY!???"  I felt deeply the weight of responsibility to care for my son, to make the best decisions and somehow steward our time and money well in the process.  Meanwhile, Liam was not improving, and no one was calling me back.  (I am very UNimpressed with our LCs in Greenville county!)  He refused a bottle because it was too tiring to him-- his suck had deteriorated that much.

At church on August 19th a friend mentioned that her friends back in NC had dealt with something that sounded like Liam's issues.  She thought it might be tongue-tie, and that they might have gone to NY to some doctor up there to have it resolved.  She gave me their name to look up on Facebook, and mentioned that they had a horse farm.  Following up on every lead I got, no matter how small, I searched online for anyone with their name, and sure enough, I tracked down an email on a horse-seller's website.  On the off-chance that this was actually the right address for the right family, I sent an email explaining our situation and asking for help.  With the speed only a mother who'd been in my shoes would have, this kind woman answered me hours later. YES! Three of her children had tongue ties, and YES she knew of some names to give me.  A lactation consultant in NC, a phone call to an ENT she recommended near my sister's in Raleigh, and that afternoon I had an appointment with another ENT for later that week.  In God's providence, I was already planning to stay with my sister that coming week.

Posterior Tongue Tie It Is!
While the second ENT visit didn't prove to be the magic bullet I so hoped it would, he did at least confirm that Liam had a significant posterior tongue tie.  He snipped it with scissors right there in the office, told me to stretch it out 5 times a day, and said I should see improvement soon!  While Liam did start sucking his thumb and drooling-a sign of increased mobility-that day, he went on complete nursing strike.  He absolutely hated the stretching I had to do, and for a while we had a baby who refused both bottle and breast.  My mom and Eowyn started praying, and finally I was able to get him to take a bottle.  I made an appointment with an occupational therapist in Greenville (through my cousin's OT--Kathie Duhon of ATS Kids!), to see if suck training would help Liam.  My college roommate referred me to a Facebook support group for moms of tongue-tied children, and this proved very helpful.  Seriously, it's either the people who have been through it before or who personally know you who care enough to help you through it!  (Yeah, the other people I'd called- repeatedly!- still weren't calling me back...)

The OT confirmed that Liam was very "disorganized" in his sucking.  She watched him refuse to nurse, watched him struggle to get down a bottle, and helped me pick a bottle that worked the best for him.  She told me he had laryngomalacia (floppy larynx) and a mild form of sensory integration disorder-- which is why he slept so dang much and nursed best in the dark/quiet of night. She gave me some exercises to work on his oral defensiveness (his resistance to things touching his mouth), his hyperactive gag reflex, as well as to try and strengthen/organize his suck.  She advised me on which pacifiers might help him practice (the Soothie and gumdrop brands).  And she encouraged me to let him suck his thumb, which he preferred above all else. :)  I bought a pack of NUK baby tooth brushes and started doing therapy with him.  Now I was one of those moms.  A friend of mine whose son basically had all of Liam's symptoms but worse gave me a sensory brush and explained brushing and joint compression.  I added those to my "to-do-daily" list.

A mom on the FB support group gave me the name of a lactation consultant in Georgia who was familiar with posterior ties, and I had a skype consult with her.  She was mostly focused on helping me with Liam's total resistance to eating, and also just offered support.  I mainly fed Liam in his sleep or from a bottle, though sometimes --for no apparent reason-- he'd nurse without a fuss.  Certain positions-- dancer hold, me supporting my own breast, leaning back with Liam sitting up-- did help him latch a bit deeper when he did latch.  He was still clicking, sputtering and choking, and spitting up out his nose at times.  His weight gain was slow, but never dangerously so.  I still had a lot of pain while nursing-- it felt like he was chewing on me, and I also had the deep shooting pain that indicates a yeast infection in the milk ducts, and so far, nothing was touching it (believe me, there is nothing I haven't tried).  The overwhelming consensus I got from the FB support group, and from Liane (my lactation consultant) was that revision with scissors by the ENT I'd seen probably wasn't enough, especially when they saw pictures of Liam's upper lip-- "that lip tie is almost CERTAINLY part of the problem! If the ENT didn't know that, he probably doesn't know what he's doing with PTTs either."  The advice I got from everyone "in the know" was: "Go to Dr. Kotlow." I waited two full weeks to see if there was any change after the scissors revision, but with a sinking heart realized nothing was really improving.
Sept 8th post:  "reeeealy praying that Dr Kotlow in Albany, NY is able to help us (Liam & I fly up & back Tuesday). Liam has a tiny cold that makes eating a nightmare. He panics after sucking a few seconds because he can't breathe well out his nose, which makes his swallowing difficulties quadruple, meaning he refuses to eat even more... which then make him more desperately hungry... with flu season upon us this cannot continue!"

On the plane to Albany NY

Posterior Tongue Tie Revision, Take Two
At this point God sent some guidance in the form of financial provision.  Our health insurance alternative, Samaritan Ministries, assured us that any expenses incurred as we tried to help Liam would be covered 100% as part of our maternity bill.  This meant that if we could get to Albany, NY, the surgery & consultation itself would be completely covered by contributions from other believers around the US.  I checked my frequent flier miles and found that I had enough for a free round-trip ticket to NY!!  On September 11th, I strapped my 2 1/2 month old to my chest and we boarded his first flight.  5 hours to get there, and then we were in a taxi "to see that dentist guy!" as our driver put it.  Dr. Kotlow was old-school, but obviously familiar with kids and very supportive of breast-feeding.  His assessment of Liam was that his PTT needed further revision (since he uses a laser, bleeding isn't an issue like it is with scissors), and his comment when he saw the lip tie was "oh, that's huge."  So much for it not being an issue.  Half an hour later, it was all over, and I was once again being given instructions for after-care and being encouraged to try and nurse him.  God gave me a gift of hope in the taxi back to the airport, though: "back in the Albany airport post-op. Liam just nursed WITHOUT CLICKING in the taxi on the way here. He kept looking at me quizzically, like "something feels weird, Mom?" Praise the Lord for sucessful surgery-- now praying for healing!!"

The Weight of Being a Primary Care Provider
Dr. Kotlow (as well as all the folks on the FB tongue-tie support forum) urged me to pursue regular cranio-sacral therapy (CST) and chiropractic adjustments.  Liam had been adjusted since a week after birth, but I'd never heard of CST before.  Unfortunately, my jet lag-brain-fog meant that I switched his appointment times for OT and CST and he missed both, but I was able to find another therapist in the area who could see Liam the following day (Dr. Kotlow encourages being seen within 48 hours of the surgery).  Dove Pettit was very gentle and easily related to Liam.  She could tell he was still quite "tied up" (scar tissue and muscle/tendon/ligaments still out of whack from being tied for so long) but was able to get him to relax a bit.  By now our little guy was not only resistant to nursing; he also screamed when anything came near his mouth- bottle, medicine dropper, breast. He HATED the stretches I had to do to keep the surgical sites from healing shut (since there were no stitches), and I hated doing them. However, if I didn't do them, I knew I could be back in Albany in another month to do it all over again, back at square one.  Late on Sept 25th, I posted: "well, Eowyn's birthday was a wonderful little mental break... now I'm back to the overwhelming information overload that I must wade through to try and make sure Liam gets all the help he needs... please please pray for me. I am beyond trying to keep my head above water... more like looking for a longer snorkel. Thank you all for all your support and prayers!"

The next month and a half were quite the same:  Liam refusing to nurse except in his sleep or after violent protest, me pumping most of his feedings (and dumping probiotics into what I pumped), me trying to remember to do therapies with him at home (stretching of the frenulae, Beckman oral motor, brushing, joint compression, suck training and techniques to help him overcome his defensiveness and work on his sensory integration), taking Liam to OT, chiropractor & CST appointments, moments of dread and panic when he seemed to worsen (oh no! I've messed up!!) and tentative rejoicing on days when he did better.  Never before did the weight of maternal responsibility sit so heavily on me, and never again do I want to be The One responsible for so many things.  One night two weeks after his revision, Dr. Kotlow called to follow up, and was very concerned when I told him Liam had begun clicking and choking again.  He suspected that I wasn't doing the stretches hard enough or frequently enough.  My stomach sank to my toes-- had I somehow, by omission or commission, undone all the surgery?  Talk about hot guilt!  I videotaped myself stretching him and took pictures, and the doctor relented a bit, saying it looked like I was doing it all right.  I struggled with anger at God-- "I'm doing everything I can, can't you help me a little!?  Why is my son fighting to learn to do the things that other kids, kids with moms who don't even care, do naturally?  I'm trying so hard to be a GOOD mom-- do I deserve all this extra work?!"  Which shows you just how deep-dyed-in-the-wool-Pharisee my heart still tends to be, as if by working hard I could "earn" an easier child.  I'll have to do a separate post about what was helpful encouragement and what wasn't... but the Lord did provide strength, hope, and kindness every day.

His OT was amazed at his progress on the bottle post-surgery, though, saying he didn't seem like the same kid!  A big improvement was that now he took a bottle (AVENT slow-flow nipple) without protest, and his clicking was diminishing.  His reflux was also nearly eliminated-- the probiotics had greatly reduced it, and now the revision seemed to take care of the rest, though he still spits up on the greater side of normal.

The Final Hurdle
By two months post-revision, Liam hadn't changed much from 2 weeks post-revision.  His OT was stumped:  why, since he can suck well now, won't he?  For some reason he still fought breast-feeding like his life depended on it 95% of the time, if he was awake.  5% of the time he did fine, for no apparent reason, and when he nursed while asleep, he was a perfect little champ, though I wasn't able to rely on that every time, either.  He was far less refluxy but still harbored low-level congestion most of the time, and any time a cold or teething came along, feeding got even more difficult.  I refused to think about "next week" or even "next month--" I just tried to feed him this feeding, this day, though in my heart I knew I was holding out until 6 months, when I could try to introduce some solids and maybe get a little break from trying to force liquids into him.  (Though, solids may raise a whole new host of problems, his OT tells me.)  Patting, swaying, dancing, walking all sometimes worked to get him to nurse, but those were hard on my arm and back (by now he was 15-16 lbs).  He usually accepted a bottle but was pretty slow on them. Often he'd make up the missed calories at night, with me nursing him at every stirring.  I went in circles with myself, wondering if I should be "hard mama," not letting him have a bottle at all, but insisting that he nurse, or if it would be better to "let him lead," immediately offering the bottle if he refused the breast.  Neither really "worked."

I wondered --and maybe some of you wonder-- if I should just throw in the towel and resign myself to full-time pumping.  I didn't for several reasons:  partly because bottles weren't always a shoo-in either- he'd often fight them and choke on them too; partly because bottles are so much of a headache, especially when trying to combat yeast-- you have to constantly be sanitizing, refrigerating, warming, etc.  But most importantly because the sucking babies do on a bottle is different than the sucking they do at the breast, and correct sucking plays a huge role in how mouth & jaw structures develop.  The muscles and how they work affect bone shape, which is one reason dentists are strongly encouraging revision of ties (for a while the trend has been to leave them alone as much as possible).  Basically, we should try to correct anomalies instead of accomodate them as much as possible-- usually what is natural is the best way for more reasons than is immediately apparent.  (someday we will figure this out as a culture...)  So of course if and when it was a question of starvation, I did and still gladly do pump for my child!  But I also keep trying to get him to a place where he could do what babies should naturally do:  breast-feed.  As my friend Christa (the SLT) put it, we don't want to make a child run on a broken leg, but we do want to splint and set the leg, let it heal, and THEN teach him to run on it as much as he can.

Since getting teeth, he sucks his thumb far less!

At his last OT appointment (Oct. 30th), the therapist encouraged me to try a nipple shield.  I'd tried one before without any noticeable change, but had lost it.  The idea was that maybe Liam still associated the feeling of the breast with drowning/aspirating/chocking, and since a baby's #1 priority is "protect my airway!" there is no way he was going to choose eating over breathing.  He'd realized that he could handle a bottle by now, but still didn't know he could handle nursing, since he usually nursed in his sleep.  Maybe the nipple shield would help him bridge over to nursing while awake by providing a different, bottle-like, texture.  It would also give him more of a surface to latch onto-- his tongue/mouth muscles & coordination are still weaker than normal-- and would limit the flow of my let-down.  By now my oversupply had largely corrected itself, but the letdown is still quite powerful.

Well, that $6.50 (BabiesRUs price-matched the Amazon price) 2-pack seems to have done the trick.  At first we needed it every feeding, except at night sometimes, but now I haven't used it in 2 days.  I am still in shock.  After four months of struggle and tears, he... eats.  The other day he was hungry and he actually rooted to nurse.  Yes, I know, newborns do that.  But mine had forgotten how to do that.  I now have the luxury of forgetting to do his therapies occasionally.  While Liam's eating is still not perfect-- I often have to correct his latch, there's still a fair amount of sputtering and coughing, he prefers to be moving, he tires and has to be fed in spurts, he wakes up in the night frequently to nurse-- it's so far from what it was.  I am pretty sure he needs another CST session next week because he's been choking again-- this is a sign he's struggling to coordinate sucking & swallowing.  Probably the chiropractor will help too. 

So, in short, here are the things that helped us:  probiotics (reflux & digestion-- poor digestion is a side-effect of tongue tie, since digestive peristalsis starts in the tongue), massage & patting (burping-- since swallowed air is a big problem due to his less-than-perfect seal), baby yoga (when his crying got inconsolable), sleeping on his stomach (laryngomalacia & reflux), lavender essential oil (helped calm his breathing during a really scary diaphramatic spasm), cranio-sacral therapy (both Dove and Carol Ball of CranioSacral Center of the Carolinas), chiropractic care (his hard palate had to be adjusted), occupational therapy, assessment by an SLT, and most of all: diagnosis and revision by laser of his posterior tongue and lip ties.

May our trips and false starts down this path make someone else's journey easier!  And may you also see that God answers prayers.  Just as an example, here's a FB post from Sept 18th:  "Two prayer requests... both for Liam. One, that his passport would make it in time for our trip to Switzerland mid-October (by God's grace we overnighted/expedited it today, but the turn-around time is 2-3 weeks). Two, that God would fully re-release his tongue. His latch is deteriorating and I feel like we are back to square one. I really do not want to have to go back up to Albany, and I know God can release whatever He wants (some kids never require surgery at all). I am fighting discouragement and trying to trust the Lord with him and his little mouth. What a blessing that he's so CUTE!!! :)"  We DID get the passport, and we DIDN'T go back to Albany!!  Thank You, Lord!

EDIT:  another piece of the puzzle for us was a parasite cleanse.  I gave Liam Olive Leaf Extract to see if some of his rash would clear up, knowing that OLE is a gentle but effective antifungal, not knowing it was also a gentle but effective anti-parasitic.  Well my 5 month old passed a flatworm in his diaper.  This was before he ate any food or even crawled.  Overnight his chronic congestion cleared up.

Another puzzle piece was food allergies.  Liam is allergic to onion, nutmeg and potato-- all of which I regularly ate while nursing him.  This undoubtably caused the eczema-like rashes on his cheeks and all over his body (they became very obvious once he started solids; he's also allergic to peach peels and echinacea.), but probably also factored into his reflux & aversions to eating since he did react to it when I ate those foods.

Lastly, we incorporated sensory play intentionally to help him overcome the last residual bits of his sensory aversion (he hated water, including baths, sand and anything textured-- grass, beans, rice, etc.).  We did bean boxes, sand play, and water play-- a water table (gift for his 1st birthday) was an excellent therapy tool-- also used an electric toothbrush.

EDIT TWO:  I nursed Liam for 2 years 3 months.  For a good year after he accepted the breast his latch still "pinched" and was not totally comfortable-- I usually had indentations from his top two teeth after every feeding, especially on my right side.  However he LOVED nursing ("che-che") and I loved being able to nurture him like that, and was so thankful for the extra protection through toddler colds & illnesses, through potty training and tantruming.  My milk was still plentiful too; it wasn't until 18 months that his solid intake began to match his milk intake!  (I was also able to pump and give milk to mamas with many babies needing a little extra milk!)  The last six-ish months of our nursing journey Liam was able to understand what I meant about not biting down on Mommy, and would correct his latch when prompted.  Nursing was pain-free and so wonderful for both of us.  Our story had its ups & downs, and I would DEFINITELY characterize it as a SUCCESS.  William is a poster child for the benefits of breastfeeding; healthy, energetic, agile, extremely verbal, loving, well-bonded to both parents, smart, with beautiful teeth and facial bones.  PRAISE GOD!!

Liam One Month Update

How are you already 6 weeks old, Little Man?  Sorry this month's update comes a little bit late; my life is even fuller than it was in your sister's first month of life. I don't like being on the computer while you kids are awake, and when you both are asleep, well, you'd better bet I try to be too.  So blogging has taken quite the nose-dive. But back to you.  At 1 month I measured you as 13 lbs (fully clothed).  The next day you were a bit under 13 lbs naked, rashy and skimping on meals at the doctor's office.  I can't button your 0-3 month onesies anymore, so I know you're growing... my left shoulder attests to your increasing weight.  You fit solidly into 3-6 month clothes now, especially in cloth diapers.  Your arms remain unbelievably long.  Daddy thinks this means you'll be taller than both of us someday.

You're a generally stern little fellow-- the sleepiest baby I've ever seen.  I think you're going to be even more of a Drama King than your sister is Queen, though.  We joke about your ability to go from totally content to completely red-faced and shrieking at the top of your lungs as "going from 0 to 60 in .2 seconds."  You do this frequently.  You detest being naked and love being swaddled.  Doctors have commented on your resistance to being "messed with" and your strength.  Mommy's arms are the only acceptable place for you much of the day.  Partly this is your acid reflux talking (screaming)-- it hurts you to be on your back, just like it did your sister-- but it's also a clear preference.  You want to be held, especially with your arms draped over my shoulder.

It's been precious to me that you are beginning to respond to my voice (once you calmed down at my motor-boating).  I love that you coo, smile at me, and are the noisiest eater & sleeper I've ever heard!  You change "looks" every day-- one night I think I've basically had the same baby twice, and the very next morning, you look completely different.  It's fun.

You rolled over front-to-back at 12 days old, and have repeated the feat several times.  You also "scoot" in your sleep all over the bed.  At least you can't roll back-to-front yet!  I can tell you can see a bit further now and you've been tracking our movements with your eyes since 1 month.  You delight in your play gym toys for about 15 minutes, and then let me know you've been stimulated enough, thank you!

Feeding is difficult.  You've got some "issues" with your tongue and latch; we've tried to get to the bottom of them, but so far it seems you're just going to have to grow out of them.  I hope there's something we find we can do to help speed up that process, because nursing is often frustrating for you instead of comforting.  However, you do get enough to keep being solidly chunky, and you are able to make good work of a bottle when you have to, though you are FAR slower at bottle-feeding that nursing!  Your "fussy time" is often from 2-4 and/or 8-11 pm, usually stemming from your love-hate relationship with nursing.  Thankfully, you usually nurse just fine during the night.  Though you don't have a definite schedule yet- largely because of your difficulty nursing- I do generally try to keep you awake after you eat, and you eat about every 3 hours, cluster feeding regularly in the evenings.

The one other concern I have about your health is this persistant rash you've had.  I'm fairly certain you've got sensitive skin and react to any detergent but soap nuts, Rockin' Green, or homemade soap, but besides that you've been rashy for the past 2 weeks solid.  Your doctor thinks it's a viral rash just working its way out of your system, but I am not so sure something else isn't going on.  Guess we'll see!

We love you Bubbie, Little Man, Liam, William, or, as your sister calls you "Cute Man!"  I shuddered when she declared "sometimes, I call him Bub." but the two of you sure are cute together!  The Lord's been impressing deeply on me just how much the both of you are my most precious earthly treasures. You are such little dears, so eternally weighty in worth.  May you look back one day and be able to say that I gave you the best of every thing I have-- my years, my time, my creativity, my patience, my effort, my resourcefulness and my intellect.  

Love,

Your Mommy

The Birth of our Firstborn Son

Ponderously-Cheeked Pondering

  For all of you wanting the short-and-sweet version, here you go:

William Christopher barreled his 10 1/2 lbs into the air at 11:07 Sunday night, June 24th, 2012.  This fulfilled his daddy's wish for a birthday full of multiples of 6, and his mommy's prayer for a birth far quicker that his sister's.  Speaking of Ryan, you can read his account of the story here.

For those of you wanting DETAILS, ta-da!:

William's birth story begins with my 41-week prenatal visit the previous Thursday.  Measurements showed that I was measuring 42 cm (consistent with a 41-week gestational age estimate), and I continued to display all the signs of imminent labor, from strong frequent contractions to the passing of my mucus plug to loose bowels and an unsettled stomach to a totally dropped baby.  But for whatever reason, I had yet to experience the regular, strengthening contractions of "active labor."  My midwife encouraged me to think and pray about using some herbal means of induction if nothing got started on its own, using her decades of experience.  Her theory was that because I was carrying Liam so far "out there" that gravity was actually working against the contractions-- which were trying to bring him in vertical alignment with my very-posterior cervix.  This would explain why I had so many of my strongest contractions at night or in the car, but why they tended to stop when I stood or walked for long periods of time.  She counseled me to wear my belly band at all times.

Ryan requested a weekend induction attempt, and we had a wedding for a family friend that I wanted to attend on Saturday, so we decided that-- if we attempted to kick-start things-- it would be Sunday.  I was still quite unsure about meddling with the natural order of things, so I was researching and praying and re-calculating my due date, and looking at Eowyn's birth records.  What I found was that the herbs my midwife was recommending-- blue & black cohosh-- would not force a labor on an unready cervix or baby, but would rather help coordinate the efforts my body was already naturally making.  When Saturday brought several hard contractions that petered out true to form, and Saturday night proved particularly un-restful and frustrating, I decided that my body had had enough of this pre-labor (it'd been going on in full force for over 2 weeks... 2 weeks of frequent contractions, many nights of nearly no sleep, stomach upset, etc.).

Black cohosh ("snake root") stimulates uterine contractions.  Blue cohosh ("papoose root"-- Native Americans used it in labor extensively) actually calms the uterus, so is useful in stopping preterm or Braxton-Hicks contractions (wish I'd known this about a month ago!).  Taken together the two work to augment and streamline labor.  They are most effective when contractions are already present.  Check!  Normally my midwife recommends a castor-oil cocktail to start contractions, and then uses the herbs, but since I was already contracting, we agreed to start with just the herbs.  (I've heard too many negative things about castor oil...)  So at 10 o'clock Sunday morning, I put the first 2 1/2-droppers of the cohosh tinctures under my tongue.  OOOOOHH talk about burning!!  The tinctures are dissolved in alcohol... so I was popping the gum to make sure I didn't smell like a distillery at church, hehehe.  Every subsequent hour, on the hour, I took a full dropper of each.  Ideally, tinctures are taken under the tongue for fast absorption, but... you try holding whisky under your tongue some time.  By 4 pm I was putting the tinctures into a few ounces of pineapple juice (also good for labor induction).  Contractions were certainly coming but were all too true to form:  irregular.  I tried not to be discouraged as we settled in to our family nap.

I awoke at 4 to a strong contraction.  I tried to rest after that, but noticed that every 20 minutes another contraction came.  They were consistently strong, too.  I tried timing a few and they were about 90 seconds long.  By 5, it was time for my next tincture dose, so I called my midwife & asked if I should keep taking them or wait and see what my body would do on its own.  As contractions were still coming, Mereinda recommended I stop the herbs.  As time progressed, I began to have to "work" to get through the contractions, blowing or saying "oooh" in a deep tone.  Eowyn woke up and needed watching and I had a hard time focusing on her as contractions took more and more concentration.  Ryan woke up and took over Eowyn-duty, explaining that "Mommy's belly is getting really tight, so she makes noise to help it hurt less."  Eowyn accepted this.  I was still reluctant to call my aunt Olga- who would be watching Eowyn- or my Mom- who would accompany us to the birthing center, fearing that this was yet another false alarm.  It wasn't until Ryan pointed out that I hadn't had to vocalize through any of my other contractions that I realized something was different.

At 6 we called in the troops.  I ate some yogurt & started a bowl of cereal, and stayed glued to my birthing ball.  Unlike with most labors, an upright position slowed my contractions (gravity pulling Liam forward instead of down), so sitting on the ball or bed helped keep them intense and regular.  They were 6 minutes apart, then 5, then 4, still lasting 60-90 seconds.  It was a while before my aunt could make it to our house, but thankfully my mom arrived and was able to take care of Eowyn (and wash our dishes =D), since I now needed Ryan to support me through contractions.  He rose to the occasion beautifully, doing his reading in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth justice. I texted some close friends, asking them to pray that this was the real thing, and for a safe (and short!) delivery... while confessing that a part of me wanted to stop the whole thing, because it was starting to hurt!  As Eowyn came to kiss me goodbye, she asked "You not feeling good, Mommy?"  "It's ok, baby girl." Then, with utmost sincerity, "Jesus will help you!"  That comforted my heart.  :) Then she was off, thrilled to be spending the night with some of her favorite people.

We headed to the birth center around 8:30.  I'd tried to hold out a bit because I knew my midwife's son's 18th birthday party was going on, but the labor tub started to sound too appealing to miss.  She tried to check me when we got there, but laying on my back was agony, bringing a seemingly unending contration, and my cervix was still posterior.  By my demeanor and the sounds I was making, she estimated me to be at about 5 cm dilated.

I cannot tell you what a difference that labor tub made.  I will never- NEVER- labor without one again.  I'll stand on my head to stop contractions if I have to. :)  Slipping into the warm water was so comforting.  I told Ryan, "It's actually quite delightful between contractions!"  Mereinda advised me to labor as much as I could leaning back, to try and bring Liam's head over my cervix instead of its current place of low but in front of it.  I could not have complied were it not for the tub.  In the tub, the water's buyoncy provided counter-pressure, supported my legs so I could let them float, and kept the baby's head from jarring against my tailbone as he descended.  Contractions were never pleasant, but they were bearable.  Labor really began moving along.  I entered the slightly-out-of-mind-state of moaning, praying, etc., through a contraction, and then nearly falling asleep.  Ryan kept reminding me to relax my hands, to have loose lips, and my doula-training kept me keeping my tone low and to relax as much as I could (hah- NOT natural for me!).  I told Ryan that these contractions felt more intense than the ones I'd had with Eowyn, and he was surprised, since he thought I was handling them much better.  I count the tub & my doula experience for that.

I began to get unbearably sleepy around 10, telling Ryan pitifully after a contraction "I just wish they'd stop so I can go to sleep...I'm so so tired."  Mereinda immediately began trying to get me to eat, but the most I wanted was a few bites of very soggy cereal, so she pushed the gatorade, saying she was concerned about my energy level.  This did perk me up a bit.  I tried a few different positions, but mostly labored on my back.  When I had to get out of the water to use the bathroom, contractions would become far worse.  Even in the water, a few times it felt like someone was taking a hacksaw to my back.  Ryan would provide counter-pressure, rub my head, encourage me, and keep me drinking water.  A few times I was overwhelmed by contractions, having to work very hard to keep any semblance of control, crying out loud to Jesus for strength, and talking to William "move down, baby!"  I remember also repeating "the baby-- I want to see the baby."  A few times I told Ryan I didn't want to do this anymore, or just cried that it hurt.  My first successful cervical check came at 10:45, when I was declared to be 7 cm dilated, with a fully anterior cervix, & a baby ready at +1 station.  I just want to take a second here to praise my midwife's compassion and skill-- she was constantly assessing my progress based on how I sounded, how I described my pain, and how I looked, NOT using monitors and numbers (though she regularly checked William's heart rate with a doppler.). Her voice was reassuring and kind, even as she gave me instructions or recommendations.

By now I knew I was in "transition."  Contrations became closer together, longer, with a more intense peak.  At least I knew I wouldn't have to deal with them long. With Eowyn, I'd had my water broken at 7 cm, and only labored 4 more hours.  I decided to hold off on breaking my water since I hadn't been laboring all that long. Not 15 minutes later I told Merienda that I was feeling "pushy."  She checked me again (can I say how much better being checked is in the water??) and announced that I was nearly complete, with only a tiny little bit of the cervix left in front.  The very next contraction I shouted "I'm pushing and I can't stop!"  Pop!  With a feeling like a water balloon untying, and a burst of fluid, I broke my own bag of waters for the first time. That was a good feeling. :)  Merienda took one look at the water and said "there's a bit of meconium in the fluid, so in case we have to suction him, I'm going to need you to deliver on the bed.  I know it's going to be hard to get out and move, so just give it every bit of strength that you've got!"

Moving wasn't too bad.  I made it to the 4-poster bed, collapsed onto my left side, and immediately started having pushing contractions.  It was absolutely surreal, like a typhoon was sweeping through my body.  I began to roar like a mama dinosaur as the only way to stay somewhat in control.  "Slow it down! Pant a little bit!  I don't want you to tear."  "I'll try!"  The midwife's assistant, Carrie, showed up just in time.  I was on my left side with Ryan holding my right leg bent and at a 90 degree angle.  Mom was at my head, stroking my hair and holding my hand.  I buried my face in the covers and gave unbelievably strong pushes as the contractions swept through my body.  The pushing contractions were nearly continuous, and I found strength and energy in abundance to push along with them.  I only really remember stopping and breathing between 2 of them (there were about 5 total).  Suddenly, there was pressure and a burning and the words "he's crowning!"  Ryan told me "I can see our boy!"  Then they told me to wait a minute as they checked for a chord around his neck because his head was out!  No cord, but he did have a little fist tucked right under his chin.  It felt like a vat of snakes writhing in me as the midwife's assistant swept her fingers around and pulled his little hand free.  Another huge long push, and my son's body slipped into the air.  Seven minutes after I'd started pushing-- 25 after I'd entered "transition"-- and what struck me as a purple giant squid was plopped on my chest. "Thank you, Jesus!  Oh, thank you!" Not having seen him emerge at all, having had no time to process his arrival, it was totally surreal.  In a daze I marveled at his huge hands. "He's so big!" and "I can't believe he's actually here!" were two phrases I kept repeating.  I think we were all a bit in shock.

Mom & Ryan immediately began rubbing him down as I called to him and the midwives tapped his feet, trying to get him to take his first breath.  He never really cried but instead gave a little gasp and protested our efforts a few times.  He started pinking up right away.  We waited a good 10 minutes to cut the cord, and I was relieved when it was finally cut because I was so swollen and tender that even the light pressure of the cord on me was abrasive.  I was overjoyed to learn that I needed NO stiches, only having a tiny tear from where his hand had had to be pulled out.  The little munchkin had been sucking his fist throughout all of labor, which accounted for the spots of awful back pressure I'd felt:  his hand pressed against my tailbone.  He is very attached to his hands. :)

He came out pooping and pooped on me another two times before his first half-hour of life.  He started to nurse fairly quickly, too.  When it came time to weigh him, Merienda laughed that she knew she wouldn't be able to hold the spring-scale high enough to get a reading, since she's short and she knew he was a chunker.  This meant that the proud Daddy got to weigh him, and I was shocked as the scale pulled down past 10 lbs...4, 5, 6 ounces!  Yet another benefit of the tub:  the water softens your perineum so much that tearing is far less likely, as my large baby with a neuchal hand demonstrated.  He was 22 1/4" long, with a 14" head (quite molded though).  "There is no question that that is a 41-week-old baby!" my midwife affirmed, and I knew I'd done fine to use the herbs.

I got everything I prayed for:  a face-down baby, a non-marathon, unmedicated labor, minimal tearing, trustworthy & knowledgeable birth attendants, a supportive husband who was with me the entire time in every sense of the words, and a healthy baby boy with every sign of looking like his Daddy-- from the dark hair to the Szrama dimpled chin and perfect bow lips.

Two hours after the birth, with my mom's home cooking in my tummy and the clearance from my midwife, we were headed home to sleep in our own bed.  In our bags were several goodies, like goldenseal capsules to dry up Liam's umbilical stump, and an herbal sitz bath formula to use as a peri-wash.  I really respect everything our midwife recommends, as so far every bit of her advice or recommendation has proven absolutely right on!  Guess it comes with that whole decades-long-practice thing... :)  We could not have had a better experience, nor more highly recommend Merienda and her birthing practice, Upstate Birth Center.  There is something so empowering about feeling total freedom in your own birth-- the freedom to eat, say, cry out, position yourself, do, or not do whatever your body tells you or your best research recommends.  Psychologically it's amazing.  Even Ryan kept commenting at how refreshingly different this experience was from our hospital birth experience with our daughter-- and we had a totally positive experience there, too!


"Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the LORD. "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says your God."  (Isaiah 66:9)

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  (James 1:17)

41 Weeks & Waiting On

41 Week Belly (42 cm)

Another week and William is still enjoying his watery world.  Contractions fill my days-- usually not painful, but at times feeling very much "the real thing."  However, they never are regular, nor do they get closer together or more intense.  I do get tired of them, especially at night, or in the morning, after a night of very light sleep, when my abs feel I've overdone it on the crunches.  But with all the "going nowhere" contractions, I was starting to wonder if I was seriously misreading my body-- maybe these weren't contractions at all; maybe I was just feeling Liam stretch?  I had a midwife appointment today, and was gratified that when, true to form, I had a contraction right on the table, my midwife confirmed "oh, that's a good, strong contraction!"  William performed a beautiful heart-rate acceleration and deceleration during the contraction, just like he's supposed to, proving that he just likes it in there. :)

The numbers for the week:  166 lbs (up one from last week), 42 cm fundal height (2 cm gained in one week again-- this boy is apparently growing like, well, a watermelon), good BP & pulse, good glucose & protein levels, no swelling or any other alarming signs.  Apparently William is following in his sister's footsteps of making it quite impossible to "check" my cervix for dilation-- with Eowyn the checks were super-painful or downright impossible until I was very far into active labor-- 8 cm and going into transition!  So there's absolutely no telling if or how much these contractions have "progressed" me.  At least we know his head is very well engaged and he's currently in a great position to deliver.  Now... if he would just decide to "make like a baby and head out" already!

Many of you prayed for us on Sunday when I suddenly was in quite a bit of lower round ligament pain.  One minute I was fine, the next the baby had dropped drastically and I could hardly walk or move without great pain and difficulty.  The Lord heard your prayers and my body adjusted to the new position by the following day.  I've also had quite a good amount of energy.  Tuesday my friend Kristen came over and we swept, mopped, vacuumed and cleaned, and then I pulled Eowyn to our neighborhood playground in her wagon.  Wednesday (yesterday) our friends from Louisville came for a quick visit (they're on a massive East-Coast road trip), and I had the energy to take them downtown to Falls Park and hang out all day. 

Since we're both doing great and I have a history of carrying longer than 40 weeks, delivering a largish baby with no problem and then having that baby seem developmentally younger than her dates would have led us to expect, we have plenty of time to play with before Mr. William is considered "post-date."  However, my midwife is a bit baffled by my body's apparent readiness to deliver, with my baby's apparent unwillingness to commit.  She's also pretty sure this guy is getting fairly, um... large.  She's given us the go-ahead to consider some herbal "pushes" towards active labor-- nothing that will force a delivery if my body or William's is unready, but that just might tip the scale into full-blown L & D.  We'll see.  As of now I'm happy to wait a few more days at least... another night like last night, though, might change my mind. :)  Either way, we are both doing very well and I'm so so so so thankful to be as comfortable and energetic as I am, all things considered!  Check out this blogpost on natural childbirth from my buddy Blythe!

A few pics from the past week:

Avery (5), Nora (6) & Eowyn all with rapt attention at the Library Story Time (the Suitcase Circus)

She's LOVED having little pals to play with

Nora's Nonnie helped them do sillouettes

Eowyn's love affair with bags (full of stuff)-- that's my new diaper bag (from 31)

I love her face as she comes in to "get my brudder!"

Telling William to "Come Out!"

(Almost) 40 Weeks!... and 2 1/2 Years Old

40 cm belly in all its glory!

Technically I'll be 40 weeks by the midwife's little wheel tomorrow, with an "estimated due date" (EDD) on Saturday.  But my visit was today, so I figured I'd go ahead and post the stats... for all those wondering. :)  Feel free to skip!

The feeding frenzy that has been my nights was clearly evident, both in measurement and on the scale.  I gained a good 5 1/2 lbs since last week (164.5), and expanded 2 cm (40 cm).  My heart rate was a bit high for me (90), but Liam's was steady and sleepy at 127.  My b/p is great, but my blood sugar was all wonky... I was clearly sleepy when making my oatmeal and forgot to add the butter.  Those 2 T of fat make all the difference between having wildly high and crashing blood sugar and a steady, satisfied full tummy.  Oops.  William's in a great position to come, though I have NOT appreciated feeling his head very very very clearly.  Those who've experienced the "ring of fire" while pushing will know what I mean.  Enough about that.  As far as "signs of impending labor" go, I've had pretty much all of them on and off for the past week, including LOTS of regular contractions, nausea, etc.  So... I have no idea when the little man will make his appearance.  I guess he likes surprises. :)

Update: 40 weeks today!

The hardest thing the past week has been sleep.  Usually I have to stretch, do inversions, soak in a bath, etc., for 1-2 hours each night, usually eating intermittently, before I can finally go to sleep (due to restless legs), usually around midnight.  Then I've often jolted awake around 4 am with the jittery feeling of low blood sugar, sometimes occasionally with a deep gnawing hunger.  I then eat whatever I can think of and usually finally go back to sleep around 6... thankfully Ryan's new work out schedule has him up at 5:30 4 mornings a week, so by the time Eowyn wakes up around 7:15, he's home and able to take care of her until I am rested enough to stumble downstairs.  She's a pretty low-maintenance kid in the mornings:  give her a cup of milk, a saucer full of soaked nuts & raisins, and she'll play quietly and happily by herself until at least 9.  I just have to supervise clean up when I wake up. :)

Since not much is going on in the pregnancy department, well, not that we can SEE anyway, I will give a little Eowyn-at-two-and-a-half update:

Playing at the chiro's office in one of my
FAVORITE of her outfits (thanks, Grams!)

Some things I've noticed about her this week have been her adorable tendency to substitute a compound word ending in one word with another beginning with the same word.  Two examples:  lollypop & popsicles, or rubber band and band-aids.  It's pretty cute.  She's sitting beside me in a fairy costume right now- occasionally giving me instructions on my lines ("Say "bye" to the fairy, Mom-- I'm leaving for a while.  But don't cry very much, ok?").  She has mastered Daddy's Nook, loving the few children's books we have on there-- either read aloud by a narrator or recorded by Mommy-- or the puzzle games.  When she gets stuck in a game, she calls me over with an "I'm in trouble, Mommy!  Help, please!"  Story Time at our local library (followed by lunch at Nina's!) is a weekly highlight, with the hand stamps at the end possibly being the best part.  Getting to go "work" on the computers (like Daddy) afterwards is a close second.  Of course the books and puzzles and movies we check out are great, too.  :)  (check out our guest performer for our story-time today: Sarah Dippety!)

She's showing more empathy than ever.  When I bemoaned the fact that I no longer had a favorite food in stock, she rubbed my arm and looked right into my face, the picture of compassion, saying "You can get more at the store, Mommy!  Don' worry!"  Other new favorites are "kipping" (skipping), walking on tiptoe, and saying the "sad questions" in the children's catechism (#20-25 that deal with sin).  She continues to be very excited about having a baby brother, and just the other morning discovered that I have a heart-beat too, just like William.  She was cuddled on my chest and sat up, asking me "What's dat?  It's like a hammer!"

Showing new independence on
the swings (wearing her "work-out shorts")

Speaking of heart-beats, Eowyn was SO excited to have her very own check-up at our family doctor's earlier this week.  She comes with me to all my midwife appointments and my one check-up, so she knew EXACTLY what our doctor needed to do, and told him so. :)  He checked her nose, and found a cow in there, just like he used to do in mine when I was little!  He let her listen to her own heart beat, which was priceless.  (My favorite moment was when the nurse asked if she was speaking in two-word sentences, to which I said "definitely."  Right on cue, Eowyn burst in "When Doctor Taylor comes in, he's gonna listen to my heart-beat!" The nurse laughed and said "I think that was about a ten-word phrase!")  She has everyone in our doctor's office swooning over her, from the nurse to the lab tech who did her finger prick.  E just held out her finger bravely and barely whimpered.  She's a healthy, strong little girl with everything looking great.  She's jumped percentiles weight, at 28 lbs she's now in the 40th % ile (as opposed to the 20th), and at 37" tall, she's in the 95th % ile for height!  The reason we even did a check-up in the first place is that we are looking to enroll her in a little 2-morning a week preK program at a local church.  Eowyn is such a social little creature that we know she will LOVE the interaction with other folks, especially while Mommy is taking a lot of time with her new brother.  Mom & Dad welcome the chance for E to learn to obey someone besides us, and to learn to function in a classroom setting.  We got her first classroom supply list and everything... Eowyn cannot wait to start buying things for 'cool, and asks regularly if she can go yet.

Today's Library Story Time featured an EXCELLENT magician!

She generally still takes a 2 hour nap from 2-4ish, and we put her to bed at 8, and usually hear her chipper little voice around 7:30 each morning.  While eating is NOT a struggle with her, sleeping is more challenging. She wakes up in the night fairly frequently, hungry, scared or needing to go to the bath room.  We have to be militant about our "no-fussing-at-bedtime" rule, or else she'd be keeping herself awake 'til all hours asking for this or that or the other thing (like a two-handed hand squeeze, or a kiss precisely in the center of her right cheek...).  We seem to have settled on a good routine now, though:  a book or two, a Bible story read by Daddy, potty, teeth-brushing & hand washing, 1 or 2 songs, family prayers, kisses, hugs, squeezed hands, and then blown kisses, with the door left open a crack, the "frogbert" night-light turned on, and a few songs playing off one of her lullaby CDs.  We're working a lot on politeness/respect (manners!), ASKING v. demanding or commanding, and obeying right away without asking "why" first.  Also trying to train her to be less picky and more flexible... or at least to request help if something isn't "just right" without dissolving into tears!  She's growing up so much and we love our little Eowyn Grace!!

39 weeks!

39 Weeks Along

There it is:  pictures of The Belly, especially for all my far-away family that was sure 4 weeks ago that I was already impossibly large...  I have indeed done the impossible and grown more. :)

Yesterday's midwife appointment was fun as ever.  Daddy kept Eowyn so I could have more concentrated time with the midwife, and I was actually glad I had to wait (a HUGE rarity in her office!) about a half hour to be seen-- I happened to have a new book with me, and it was a very pleasant wait alone in her sunshiny waiting room.  The stats:  my belly stayed at 38 cm-- I personally think this is because it's almost permanently contracted.  Definitely feels like a bowling ball most of the time now.  I'm at 160 lbs, meaning I lost a pound since last week, which is kind of encouraging because that's a hint that labor is near (of course, I know it's coming in the next 3 weeks anyway so no huge light bulb there, lol).  So far I've gained 30 lbs with Mr. William, which is right at what I gained with Eowyn.  What's interesting to me is that I gained it earlier and steadier with him and much of it at the end with her... and this trimester I've hardly gained any at all.  My pulse and b/p are good-- his heart beat was a bit lower than usual (124), as he was actually sleeping for once.  Usually at my appointments he's kicking the doppler and making my midwife laugh at his poking-out-body-parts.  But everything looked and sounded good.  She tried to check for dilation but William's head is so low that it was pretty impossible.  Oh well, not like it matters anyway.  I don't think I'll ask to be checked again until labor.

It's not working out with Daddy, but 'tretching with Tia Anna is pretty cool, too

I have tons of "toning contractions"-- more than I remember having with Eowyn-- usually accompanied by back twinges and crampy feelings.  I really thought he might be coming around the full moon (Sunday or Monday), but many of the labor-symptoms passed as the moon waned.  Now I'm settling in for the long haul.  :)  I can't believe my baby niece is 3 weeks old already-- time is flying by so fast that I know I can hold out another 3 weeks if I need to just fine. 

My round ligaments are super-stretched, and Liam seems to know JUST where to kick to make me feel like I have a terrible side stitch.  He's got long little legs (wonder where he gets those...)!  But the weather is gorgeous-- highs in the low 70s-- so I honestly have no complaints.  If there was perfect pregnancy weather, this is it!  Eowyn and I go on walks to our neighborhood playground or with Ryan downtown, and it's completely pleasant.  Our little garden is growing and so far I can keep up with it no problem.  Our house is mostly unpacked-- I still have the task of putting pictures up in all the rooms, but I'm putting that off until William's here and I can bend & lift more easily! 

Eowyn has been testing a lot of limits lately-- trying to obey on her terms ("I just doin' this first, Mommy...") or ask repeatedly for permission to do something she's already been told she can't do, or outright ignore instructions. I do praise the Lord that her heart is teachable right now, despite all her little sin. Talks about "listening to the Snake" who lies and tells her disobeying is more fun than obeying actually often stop a fit in its tracks, and the other day she melted my heart by uttering a heart-broken little "I'm sorry, Mommy!" on her own after a fit. I daily pray that the Lord gives her a new heart very soon! Every night she asks me "Mommy, why do I not need to be 'cared? Who is with me?" And I answer "Jesus." And she asks "and who else?" And I finish "The angels." So precious that that actually comforts her in the dark! Her little mind continues to grow at an astounding rate! She puts things together and talks so much more every day... it's a little bit intimidating at times! I'll try to upload some cute videos soon. (EDIT: they're up!)  We have a great one of her trying valiantly to show 2 fingers at once (she can do it now, with MUCH pride), another of her dancing at our local Highland festival, and another of her proclaiming that she does NOT want to taste beer because only "mans" drink that, and "I a GIRL, Daddy.... Maybe when I a man, I will like it." She cracks us up so much and we are really enjoying her. I'm so glad we have a two year old... Ryan & I joke we're going to keep having kids just so we can always have a toddler in the house-- they are so much fun!

How tall is Eowyn? Almost 3'!

Our other family news is that Ryan's been getting into Cross-Fit training with some guys at the church we've been attending.  Mr Not-a-morning-person has been getting up 3 mornings a week at 5:30 am, working out muscles he'd forgotten he had... and coming home sore but learning so much!  (We sound like senior citizens getting into and out of bed at night, hah.)  I am rather proud of him. :) Eowyn went with him to buy his new work-out shorts, and proceeded to insist that she needed work-out shorts, too... so she can "be 'twong... in the Lord."  My mom obliged and our newest entertainment is her donning them and trying to "work out like Daddy."  Her push-ups and squats are very... creative.

It just keeps going, and going...

Ok that's all, folks... my back can't take sitting much longer!  Too many contractions!!