Professional Discouragement

The past two days have been rough. I think part of it is that both Robin & I are going long stretches of time without seeing our significant others. :) I'm slightly used to it by now (not that I like it any better), but she isn't. Today I think I succeeded in finally cheering her up a little. :) I've been "counting down the days." The kids always wonder why there's a giant star on May 18th on Miss Thompson's wall calandar...

Day 43, Tuesday May 8th:
It's wonderful to once again watch Robin teach. I learn so much just watching her, especially now that I've had some experiences of my own. Today was the start of a new instructional week, and I dropped 1st and 2nd grades. [...]

As a teacher, I'm personally discouraged. I feel like I'm getting worse and worse instead of better and better. I'm just so completely tired, all the time, and I think it's affecting my teaching. I honestly don't think it's that I'm not preparing or caring...it's like I can't remember everything when I get in front of the kids all of a sudden. Mentally I sort of freeze. And even getting ready takes me twice as long. Then I have to go back and correct or re-do half of it anyway because in my fatigue I did it wrong the first time. I can't keep functioning much longer on this little rest. I almost wonder if it would be better for the kids for me to just go to bed, and make up whatever we're doing the next day, when I can actually process up to speed. I know I can't do that, and I certainly won't. I think the worst is passed-- everything is done for this week, and next week I'll just be doing K5, and that lesson's already planned. It's so hard to plan lessons, teach all day, get lessons ready, and attend school-related functions, especially when I have to work two other jobs on the weekends and fulfill numerous responsibilities. It's letting me know three things: that in my first years as a teacher under no circumstances do I want to teach full-time and do ANYTHING else; that since the teaching internship consumes the energy of any full-time job, it should be PAID as such; and that planning lesson units (if no more than skeletal outlines) while NOT teaching (summer!) will relieve so much pressure!!

Maybe I'm just being harder on myself as I go, I don't know. I want to do right by these kids, by Robin, and by Furman. ...at least there's only two more weeks to go.