Wednesday March 24, 2021- 40 weeks & 3 days
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| Patrick (5) waiting for me during my acupuncture |
Thursday, March 25th
9:30 am, text to Snarky Advice Column group (my doula Karla and my friend & previous midwife Elizabeth, who now lives out of state); “I feel super gross. Nausea, liver pain, headache. So I’m gonna try to go to acupuncture.” Karla- “Jack doing good?” me: “as far as I know, he moved SO much after Dr. Megan adjusted my pelvis. He seems happy. He had a good HR at the appt yesterday.” Janelle comes over to draw blood to test for bile acids since mine had been on the higher end several weeks before and I had been doing things (including coffee enemas) to lower them.
11 am, text to SAC “I have just lost all will in the matter” Jack has turned to be face-out, or "OP" again.
Acupuncture feels really good, providing relief from the liver pain and nausea and fluid retention; my hands look less puffy. I am able to make dinner, clean the kitchen and even sit at the table with my family to eat it.Really difficult night with restless legs. “But of course I couldn’t sleep last night because too much comfort would go to my head.”
ready for the little man
Friday March 26, 4pm
2:30, text to SAC: “he is ROA” (this is the optimal fetal position for birth, yay!)
puffy hands 4 pm- text to my good friend Katelyn Fusco, another homebirth mom, doula, placenta encapsulator, and host of "The Happy Homebirth Podcast": “so, my coffee enemas have worked. I was at a 9.8 (cutoff for danger is 10). Janelle says they usually just rise until delivery. Yesterday mine were 2.4! K: “PRAISE GOD That is INCREDIBLE!” me: “I’m still not sure that she didn’t swap my blood for someone else’s - but I also still continue to have referred pain that’s pretty intense.” Me to SAC: my bile acids are a whopping 2.4” E- “that definitely downgrades the medical necessity to get him out” me- “I’m still in pain, swollen & itchy but glad he is safe!! (at least from bile acids)”
"Mom this is where we pee off of"
I remember taking a hot epsom bath at night, reading about mold toxicity & EMFs.
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| at Eowyn's soccer game |
I went to my daughter Eowyn’s soccer game & son Patrick’s t-ball game, had a prenatal massage with Nadine Gammon, even did acupressure w clary sage.
I continue to feel conflicted about what the right thing to do is regarding induction, waiting, etc. I'm very uncomfortable and wanting to have Jack out safely but also not wanting to risk anything by trying to force the issue. I am getting weary of all the pain... and of enemas. My pelvis and hips feel like they are about to fly apart. I tell myself I must have felt this way every time, that all moms feel like this at 40 weeks and that I need to just stop being a wuss and suck it up.
Sunday March 28- full moon
I remark to several people “Nope, no hint of labor. I may as well be 7 months pregnant if you ask Jack.” To Janelle: “I just finished my raw iron and my dates, like I have no more. Signs I should assist the full moon and cotton root bark this kid out tonight?” Jack rotates OP again.
7:21 pm- having a bunch of Braxon-Hicks ctx. Stupid moon.
9 pm- My hips get markedly tight. Ryan does side-lying release with me.
Monday, March 29, exactly 41 weeks
7:49 am -Text to Katelyn: “trying the herbs today (castor oil, cottonroot, black cohosh, senecio… throwing it all at this belly) K: “do you need any blue vervain?” me: “I’ll try these three and if I don’t get any results I will try that.”
Patrick goes next door to my mom, whom the kids call "Nina," for his “Nina Day” and I do school activities w the older 2 kids all morning.
10:30- I've finished herbs & castor oil then lay down, feeling very tired. Note: Junen, my dog, stays close to me all day.
2:11 pm- I get up, feeling like I want to go outside and be with the kids in the sunshine, it's such a beautiful day. I put on the rebozo Janelle had lent me to support my belly and tell the kids I want a walk, envisioning a walk on our road… nope, they decide to show me “all their new hideouts in the woods”... of course this involved hills and no paths at all! Liam quips that we “are going at the speed of pregnant mom.” Nina was out in her yard and came with us. Ryan texts to tell me his equity in a former company is likely to be worth a good chunk of money. I answer, “Good, we can pay for an elective c-section so I can get this kid out of me!”
Ryan setting up the tub 
sitting down for a little rest on our hike 2:59- Katelyn texts- “you doing okay?” me: “yeah… just kind of discouraged and amazed that my body is uninterested in labor.”
3:20 pm- We get home & I tell the kids I am going to put some things on my phone and then lie down the rest of the day, and I’ll do spelling with them from my bed. Not feeling any contractions at all. I sit down at the computer to put some Hypnobabies tracks on my phone, thinking I can listen to those while I rest.
3:30- I feel a light “pop” and think “was that my water breaking? No, surely not…” I feel a trickle and then suddenly realize there will be a gush. I jump up out of the chair over to where the “dog towel” is by the door to our back porch and shout out to the kids, who are nearby, “My water just broke, quick, get me more towels!!” I feel totally frozen and unsure of what to do next… I keep thinking “this is not how I labor!” There is so much water, I don’t want to just stand there by the back door but neither do I want to make a huge mess trying to go anywhere. My pants are soaked and it’s not slowing down. The kids are asking me questions and I am outwardly calm, trying to explain what is happening. I decide to just go stand in the bathtub and get there as quickly as I can, instructing Eowyn and Liam to wipe up any amniotic fluid on the floor. “Will you still do spelling with us?” “Ummm… no.” When I get to the bathtub I see that the water has meconium in it. I call Ryan and Janelle, Ryan telling me he is ½ hr away, Janelle not answering. The meconium and the sheer strangeness of broken water makes me want someone with me. I text Snarky Advice Column, Jennifer Conway (birth photographer), other people who have been waiting to hear. I know that this was "it". Patrick asks me how I am pooping Jack’s poop.
"Mom this is a great hideout" 4:06- I have the kids bring me the fetal doppler and find Jack’s heartrate, it’s 160s (normal for him) and reactive so I am less concerned about the meconium and a little more at ease being alone. I send the kids outside/to my mom’s house, put on a Depends from the birth kit and wait for Ryan.
4:15- Contractions start picking up. My doula, Karla, tells me she is leaving her house and on her way (she lives 45 minutes away). Ryan gets home and I ask him to go ahead and set up the birth tub. This takes him a while to figure out.
4:18- Janelle sees my missed calls & calls me back.
4:30- I sit on the side of the bed, over a chux pad and towel and just feel totally frozen. Water still gushes out every time I move and I am astounded at the sheer volume. “How is there this much fluid in my uterus??” Elizabeth quips “Apparently most of your weight gain was amniotic fluid- watch Jack be 7 lbs.” This makes me laugh and I answer “as long as his head is nice and easy to deliver.” The depends is already flooded and I have to change it. With all the water I have seen leak out I feel totally justified for being uncomfortable the last few weeks, the thought goes through my mind: my poor pelvis was holding together a 50-gallon aquarium! No wonder it felt like it was going to come apart any minute! I wasn't being overdramatic!!
my daughter (11) was also with me in Patrick's birth 4:42 to Janelle- “Can u come soon? I’d feel better. Bloody show!” J: “OTW! 15 min ETA” Karla texts and asks me to leave out a cardigan for her bc she forgot hers. She jokes “my comfort factor at your birth is of utmost importance.” I have one out on the dresser already thankfully because I really don’t feel like I can move. Ryan is still fiddling with the tub and trying to get everything ready to fill. My birth photographer and friend, Jen, arrives.
5:00- I tell my friend Megan to head this way. Megan was with me at Patrick’s birth 5 years ago, a dear friend who knows where everything is in the house so she will be able to help with the kids and also be another set of hands when it comes to fetching & finding things.
- 5:05- Janelle arrives, takes my vitals (118/92, Jack HR 140s), She records that I’m having ctx every 3 min, lasting 45-60 sec. I remember her listening to Jack and me asking “is he OK?” and her answering “he’s perfect.” This became our ritual every time she checked on him-- “is he OK?” “he’s perfect.” (It's funny how my doula brain noticed parts of my labor during labor and made mental notes, such as "oh look, I'm establishing a coping ritual.") Karla gives me counter pressure on my back. I also labor on the ground in a lunge and on my hands & knees.
Janelle checking on Jack
5:30- my son Liam leaves for his baseball game, my dad giving him a ride. The other two kids head to my mom’s next door for supper-- they come back when I’m in the tub and mostly sit on my bed, reading or playing a game on a device.
Saying goodbye to Liam Megan arrives and I ask her to make me some Ginger Switchel Labor-Ade , having put all the ingredients out on the counter that morning. Janelle has me eat some apple sauce pouches, fruit leather strip and I drink sips of labor-ade and water throughout.
Megan giving me sips of LaborAde 6:35- I get in the tub. Janelle asked me to sit in a "w-sit" to try and help make room for Jack to descend. Eowyn was horrified, as I have always encouraged my kids to NOT sit this way (as it doesn't allow the core to work), but Janelle assured her I'd be OK for just a little while in labor. (So funny what kids are shocked or not shocked by. My loud vocalizations didn't phase any of my kids.) Karla encourages me to put my Labor Mix music on, so I get it playing on my phone. I remember singing harmony with Eowyn to Sara Groves’ rendition of “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.” Other songs include “Great is Thy Faithfulness” (Fernando Ortega) and “By Thy Mercy” (Indelible Grace). Janelle later tells me she was impressed I could sing every word of every verse to most of the songs, and Karla later tells me that she didn’t remember I could sing so nicely. I remember crying in several of the songs as I fought to believe them-- there's been so much pain and darkness in my heart for the past 2 years… I prayed that the songs would be true. I remember praying them back to God, asking Him to let them be my experience, that I would feel His presence. “When the morning falls on the farthest hill, I will sing His praise, I will praise Him still. When dark trials come and my heart is filled with the weight of doubt, I will praise Him, still.”
7:30- I feel like I need to pee. Ctx lasting 60-90 sec, every 3-4 min. I tell Janelle that I need to pee and she tells me it may just be from the pressure of Jack descending, but I don’t think that’s it. “
He doesn’t feel low like that… I think I really do just need to pee.
Junen checking on me
” I don’t really want to get out of the tub, though, and I'm not far gone enough to just pee in there. Contractions are intense but I don’t feel the baby moving low. I try to labor leaning back in the water and holding my belly up to try and keep Jack over my cervix, which I know to be fairly posterior. I turn over onto my knees with my arms over the side of the tub and Karla applies counter pressure to my back. It feels good to bear down slightly with the contractions but I don’t feel like the baby is low enough to really push, I begin to suspect that this labor will be like Patrick’s. I say something like that out loud and am reassured “oh every labor is different, don’t worry.” “But this FEELS the same” is what I’m unable to say. Junen has been supportive of me throughout labor, staying at the glass back door and whining, even howling, along with me. At some point someone lets her in the house, though not my bedroom, so she can feel nearer to me.
Belly so tight while contracting 
I actually love how strong I look here 
8- singing “Lord from Sorrows Deep I Call”- I finally decide to get out of tub and sit on toilet to pee. I stay in there to labor through a few contractions. I like how isolated it feels and dark, even though I know I probably sound 10 times louder in there. I check myself and find my cervix posterior and fairly closed, 2 finger widths only. I tell Karla this. “Do you want Janelle to check you?” “I don’t know…” “I think you should let Janelle check you, then you’ll know for sure.” I say, resignedly, “ok… fine” I remember saying “fine” several times, not in an angry way, just resigned. This song has sustained me over the last 2 years, taken straight from Psalm 42: “Lord, from sorrows deep I call/ When my hope is shaken/ Torn and ruined from the fall /Hear my desperation/ For so long I've pled and prayed/ "God, come to my rescue!"/ Even so the thorn remains/ Still my heart will praise You.// And, oh, my soul, put your hope in God/ My help, my Rock, I will praise Him/ Sing, oh, sing through the raging storm/ You're still my God, my salvation.”
Dear Karla, doing for me what I have
done for so many other mamas
8:30- I lay on the bed and the kids go out so Janelle can check me. She affirms what I suspected-- I am still in early labor, only 3 cm, 75% effaced. She assures me that my cervix is coming forward and that Jack is moving down ( -1 station). I am discouraged though, telling Karla “I didn’t want to do this again!” Karla understands that I mean I didn’t want to have another labor like Patrick’s, in which I had to consciously resist pushing for 45 minutes and dilated very fast-- but with a lot of pain. “You are just going to have to sing again, Christina. You did this before, you can do it again.” Again the resigned sigh-“...fine.”
- 9- Janelle has me stand against the bathroom wall doing belly lifts with Ryan’s support through several contractions. They are more and more intense and it is all I can do to try and get through them. Like with Patrick’s labor I am forced to be very present in each contraction rather than be able to zone out. This is very hard for me emotionally. Months ago, Janelle had asked me what the hardest type of labor would be in my mind, and I had said “another labor like Patrick’s… but even then I guess I know I can get through it since I already did before.” I remember that conversation now and struggle in my heart with dismay that I am being asked to do the same labor again. Around this time Ryan and my mom put the boys to bed.
- 9:15- Janelle has me move to the bed to labor on my right side using a peanut ball-- this device helps open the hips, allowing the baby plenty of room to rotate and descend. It often allows for quick progress in labor but very few women find it comfortable. She tells me we will do this for 30 minutes then switch sides. I sing “To Christ the Lord” and struggle very much. After a while I ask if it has been ½ an hour yet and I switch sides.
9:40- Still on the peanut, now on my left side, I am mentally very weary-- “I really can’t do this again!” I say, more than once. Every time I am reassured “yes, you can, yes, you are.” I sing to give myself something to focus on, at times desperately, at times more peacefully.
"Yes, you can!"
9:45- I go back on toilet, close the door, wanting to be alone and in the dark. I remember telling Janelle “go away!” when she asks if I want any company. After a few minutes Karla or Janelle asks, through the door-- “Do you feel like you need to push?” “No, no pressure yet.” Everything just is so intense, so painful. I work through the contractions as best I can, loud. After about 2 of them I realize that, “yes I feel some pressure now.”
9:59- Janelle asks me through the door if I want to get in the tub again. “I’m afraid I’ll jinx it” “Well don’t you want a water birth?” “Yes” “Then I think you’d better get in the tub” pause, then a resigned “...fine” I climb back into the tub which feels so wonderful and warm. Ryan is on my left side, Janelle at my right. My mom & Eowyn are off to the right of the tub with Megan & Karla floating around and Jen behind Ryan almost in the bathroom.
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| I love the trust seen here between mama & midwife |
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| Begging Janelle to "pull him out!" |
10:09- I start bearing down and pushing “for real”- but it feels like nothing is happening. “Something’s wrong, I don’t think I’m moving him at all” I say to the room at large. They tell me that I am, that they can see his head. In my mind I don’t really believe them, I think they are probably just trying to encourage me. I reach down and I can feel his head just barely at the perineum. Then the “ring of fire starts” and I tell them “it hurts!” Janelle reminds me to ease him out slowly. On the one hand I don’t want to endure this another minute, but on the other hand I remember the long-lasting pain of a second-degree tear with Eowyn and decide avoiding that is worth a few extra seconds of pain, so I try to only push with the contractions and pant between. Karla counts 5 pushes to bring him to crown.
10:15- “Joy in our Hearts” (Sara Groves) is playing: //Hallelujah, allelujah- Christ our joy and strength// Now with patience in our suffering/ Perseverance in our prayers/ With good reason this hope is in our hearts//" Karla says “you’re bringing him down, he is right there” Me- “Ow ow ow ow!!” Mom- “He is right there, Christina” Karla “You’ve got this, you’ve got this” Me, to Janelle- “Get him out!” and I mean it! She chuckles and soothes “He doesn’t have a handle” I think of course he does, grab his ears! but out loud I only grunt “Yes he does!... And then I whisper "please, help me!” I mean for Janelle to help catch him as I don’t feel I can let go of the sides of the tub. She understands and puts her hands down to help guide him out. “He’s here- you’ve brought him out to his ears” In my mind I think-- if you can see his ears you can use those to pull him out!! Two pushes have brought his head out. “There he is!” I give one final push and feel pressure release-- Janelle tells me to reach down and pull him out! In shock I comply, and as I have dreamed of doing for the past 5 years, I put my hands around a slippery chest under two slippery arms and pull him slowly to my chest “Oh, Jack! Jack!” I whisper. Around me the room fills with cheers and tears and smiles that pass from my mother to my daughter, my dear friends and my husband… but I have eyes only for this long-prayed-for-son who has opened blue eyes and looked into mine. It is a long, perfect moment-- I take in so many things;
his head isn’t molded, there’s no blood so I didn’t tear-- how is he so vernixy?-- his arms are SO rolly, how big is this boy? -- he isn’t crying, he is just watching me-- he is so peaceful, is he OK?- Yes he’s turning pink, he’s breathing, the cord is still pulsing… Out loud I marvel “how is he so vernixy?” and “I can’t believe he’s real!” Everyone is telling me he is beautiful, that I was amazing, and Jack has looked around and looked at me but not made a sound. I ask him- “Can I hear your voice? I’m your mama!” He lets out the sweetest little cry and we all swoon. I sob for joy, for relief, for all the pain of the past 2 years, in disbelief that this has actually happened, that I have labored and delivered my son into my own hands in a pool of water in my own room. Every minute of every pain, suddenly worth it. Jack closes his eyes again, safe against my heart.
Look at all that vernix! 
It is 10:15, March 29th, and my son is born.
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| this chunk turned out to be 11 lbs 10 oz, 22" long |
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| Proud Daddy |
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| Mother & Child, Mother & Child |
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